Adventures in Freakland

So right now i guess you can classify me as a bonafide freak... i have a couple of reasons why. I shall list them.

1. I would fuck the shit out of every single one of my dates, female friends, and associates... even if i cant stand them personally.

2. I tried to fuck the shit out of my last date but she had a thing called class.... which i think means that i dont... she said... and i quote... "thats how ya gon do me... feel me up when i just wanted a hug".... in my defense. .. she did say that she was trying to get in my panties and not my head.... psych majors.... they play so many games.... i was willing to play... i have no fucking shame folks.

3. i was invited to the sex community center in bywater... mainly because i'm femme and single... i was just scared some ugly ass person was gonna try to fuck me.. or i'd get AIDS getting fucked by some ugly person... just cause you go into a house full of freaks dont mean they all look like Oasis..... point is... i was bullshittin the whole night and didnt go....

4. i've been dancing my ass off... and for those who know me... ya know a nigga dont dance... like ever.... it's the closest thing to masturbation i can muster....

5. speaking of masturbation... i've developed third degree burns on my 3rd and 4th metatarsals... i have at least eight girls in my mental roledex @ any given time... each with their own special gifts. I'll name them:

Shayna ---- so we're like on vacay... she decides she likes me after all... we steal glances at each other... she makes sexual innuendo... i do me, whatever... we flirt the whole weekend... our friends make us play truth or dare and i have to admit aloud that out of any woman there... i'm ready to make her cum in my mouth... not too much longer.... lets just say... they have to rename that fuckin beach.... and i can smell her in my hair for 4 days....

Oasis ----- number one.. shes a pornstar but she knows my name and when were fuckin she calls me baby a lot.... i call her baby a lot... like i'm "special" to her or some shit.... it basically involves strappin her every which way... anyone whose seen the one where she's on the couch ridin that girls dick knows exactly what i'm talking about... like WOW!!

Richelle ---- so we have a classic tumultuous artists' relationship... how is this different from my real life??.... um not by much only in my fantasies she knows who the fuck i am.... anyway like neither one of us is willing to commit.. again no different than real life... but everything is better when she looks at me... and i can tell she loves me... even if she cant say it.... she can tell i'm in love with her... even though current circumstances dont allow me to commit... and for the minutes were able to get it together i make love to her like she'll save me from the damage that has been done... the sex is slow and sensual and heart breaking... theres candles and music and all that shit... i ask her to let me inside her... like inside inside... like in her pussy... and in her mind... and she does.... until we cum... and then were just 2 fucked up people again.

Brittani--- my thug girl.... this is kinda funny cause Brittani is really about to get some if she doesn't fuck it up... which i'm so scared she will... I dunno.... even though Brittani is totally not my type she can fuck.... so good i let her strap me regularly... in the bed... in the shower... in kitchen on the counter... in the car... in the alley behind Vibe.... her hands on the crux of my hips is no unusual occurrence... and thats crazy... but Brittani has swagger like that...

Meshell ---- me and Meshell just have an understanding... when i'm in New York... i'm yours... when i'm not... i'm thinking of you... we dont have sex all the time.... we kind of experience intimacy in a way that makes a pussy of your mind.... and you have like mindgasms.... but when we do.... do it.... she says to me... what are you afraid of?... i ask her what she means?... she tells me to let go... and a few minutes later... i'm cummin like one of Pinkys hoes..

speakin of Pinky---- i cant fuck wit Pinky... shes more like my inspiration... like how her big red ass always fucking the shit out of these fine ass women??.... She's always like "yeah you like that bitch" and pounds the shit out of them... it gives me hope that those beautiful women can be freaks just like me.... i look almost as good as Pinky... and if i got some various ass i can fuck like that too.... ooooooohhhh **fingers crossed*** I swear i'm puttin her ass on my vision board..lol

Chevy--- i dunno... me and Chevy always at breakfast... like whats so fuckin sexy about breakfast?.. i havent the foggiest??... anyway were sitting at a center table at Petunias and she says.... "comeon now ma.. you know i always had a thang for ya" like only she can say it... fuck that girl is so fine... for a straight girl she is like... moistening.... lol.. anyway i kiss her hard as shit right there at the table in the middle of all the straight ass, white asss, midwest ass tourists and we proceed to titty suck and finger fuck our way through nooks and crannies of the Quarter until we get to my car.... and I show Chevy what shes been missing in the women department... and Chevy is a fucking natural... like i always knew she would be :)

last but not least...

Troi ---- sexy beautiful Troi... who looks like a girly Usher Raymond.... in my dreams she isnt lost in the cosmos... but shes in my bed... sun shining on the nakedness between her panties and her tshirt.... we lie in bed... kissing each other... staring at each other... caressing her back... breathing on her neck... and watching l word... cause thats just about the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me... "I like to lie in bed with that special someone and watch l-word.".

silly white girl

poor white girl entering and exiting

thinking i'm an artist.... colonizing my blackness/dykeness/darkness

as if it ever even existed....

all i say is bye.... bye girl

(why does she love that ebonics shit?.... talk 2 her like a hoe... she eats that shit up)

cause i give two shits about you

or your skin tone... u make barely a sound

on my screaming inside

i can barely fuck you... except i can... so i will

i need you to call out my name... remind me...

this is all lies

she eroticizes me.... i dont dare to challenge the notion

of being called "kit kat" in a nation of homophobes, misogynists, racists

whut the fuck ever... in one ear.... out the crack of my ass

cause she channels all my rage.... into her pussy

i'll fuck you blind bitch

(she loves the dyke shit... why does it turn her on?)

and if shes gone tomorrow... my laughter is carried out into the street

like ha girl.... u finally figured it out

i'm not your chocolate bunny.... i'm your darkest. fucking. nightmare

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #1

crazy.... the only way i can live

is to play dead

slither across the floor of her existence

hide behind the couch of her reality

no... we caint be facebook friends

u scare the chicks away...

cause they know... i love you

more than anything

so i've decided to live

be live

aliven... wake up

ahhhhh..... fall six ft underground...

ahhh.. i'm falling

ember blazing from a joint the left side of my lip

as dangerous as ever.... looking as innocent as time will allow me

the abscess of you... digging in my gut

pain so great... i sweat

still imaging you... across the way

not afraid of me.... me

not afraid of my... self

I dont know what came over me last night... my friend called so we went out... roaming bywater streets looking for something to get into at 2 am... giving no thought to the evils that may want to get into our rectums... namely rapists, murders, and theives.... we went to Monty's house... cause his ass is always up for a party... he doesnt answer the door... so i assume his rectum is already occupied.... hopefully by a handsome pipefitter.... we make our way to the quarter and spend most of the night looking through windows @ glass... ironic huh

i wonder who i am.. now that i am no longer Lena's wife... that title gave me a sense of accomplishment... like i had anything to do with falling in love and planning a life with someone... the plans were our undoing of course but it was nice to be done... have roots... but our relationship was more like a potato instead of an oak tree... however it was nice to be known by someone... it was nice to be predicted... i know i'm complicated so it was nice to be tolerated and loved anyway... until it became intolerable i guess.... but i wasnt made for no surburban nightmare.... i'm an artist i think.... only i paint with my thoughts and feelings... Sheeps Landing Planned Community is no place for my kabooms

we talked about relationships... like there was nothing better to discuss... i tell her about my dream girl... she tells me about her blind date and we laugh like two ole niggas playing domino muthafucka.... i warn her to stop tryin to be femme for people.... were both two big ole dykes in sheeps clothing.... she warns me to watch what i say.... that we have two ears and one mouth... blah... blah... blah... and we laugh again on snake eyes...

and we ended up at Beignets n' Bugs of course... to the left an east asian woman refilling napkin containers... to your right a skinny white girl on a bipolar trip... straight ahead.... my future as seen through the haze of powdered sugar and fear... i want to run until i end up in Brooklyn...

we talk about baby names... if i have a son... i'll name him Jerusalem Soweto... if i have a girl.... Gun...

Been a hell of a week....

1. MJ died
2. Smutley died... unexpectedly
3. Ellelee alas is wonderfully loved and terribly missed
4. Prayed for god to protect those I love... and to allow me to love everyone (self included)
5. Still routinely mistaken for walmart/target/supermarket staff... no offense taken... just curious as to what social clue i send out that makes me a customer service rep
6. Ive discovered im an aquarius moon thingy (hence my strange connection to my exwife)
7. MJ died... trumping the deaths of Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett and Neda. But also diverting attention away from votes on universal health care and cap&trade so we can finally get the shit done (take that Hannity!!)
8. Finally reading lao tzu... listening to Lauryn (duh)... and watching Lost Tribes of Israel on YT
9. Discovered a new friend
10. Missing my old one
11. Talked to my old one... who is now different... therefore... my new one??
12. Looking foward to silence
13. Looking forward to having nothing, needing nothing, wanting nothing.... that in their hatred they can take from me...
14. just needed a # 14 cause you know i'm geechee & wierd like that

What else can i say.... i have a lot but want to be careful with my words.... before i could spit (more like vomit) game with reckless abandon... hence many the mire i have found myself in/and the pain i've caused... i will try to be more careful this time

We are what we repeatedly do. This scares me because i repeatedly do... dumb shit. So if I face reality I can say... fear is not your friend... do not go lightly into that good night... do not shirk... do not arm yourself with the bullshit facade... wear love like it will protect you from harm.

I think because i know Lena can hurt me... i push her away... i reach into my bag of insults and assumptions... i know that she is capable of causing me to experience feelings of extreme, soul stirring, pain... and like a bitch i reach on the shelf for what works... but god and bravery that shelf would be empty.... i want to react to fear using my love... i have a lot... shit i've held it in so long... i want to disarm that pain i feel... with love... pure... shining... seeded so it can grow....

Love.... its whats for dinner

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

---The Velveteen Rabbit ...by Margery Williams

i'm learning what it means to grow up..... that all the trials of your parents... all the the
ings they tried to teach you in parables and tales and silly ass sayings... they were warning you..

so i find myself on this day with the career of my dreams but the life of my nightmares... on probation.... basically divorced unless by some miracle the both of us change.... by most measures couch surfing... still broke... scared... full of anger.... full of tears.... full of shit....... and alone....

i feel the rage i've had since learning my wife doesnt need me anymore... who would never hurt me cause she "loves" me... has morphed into a monster.... taken over my every thought... i feel it inside me yelling bloody murder.... i literally hear it screaming in pain, sadness, rejection, and pure love....

Lena must move on because she's changed... and guess what... im a huge part of that she tells me.... kind of a shitty thing to be a part of... u not giving a shit anymore... Lena now knows she's bisexual and needs time to figure out if anyone is capable of living in a threeway relationship... cause Jata cant and therefore she cant be "truly" happy..... while i go to anger management....

crazy thing is... everyone serves as my logic... cause i have none left.... you deserve better.... shes fucking with you... fuck that bitch... just let it go... they say..... but how do i??... this girl is a part of me... i love this girl for no appearent reason.... maybe i did treat her bad?.... if i change my ways she'll come back... because she loves me too.... my mom says "she told them she wasnt in a relationship with you.... thats all you need to know.... let it go... did i teach you nothing?".....

i just think to myself.... no.... guess not... still love her... cant let go....

gotta go cry now

Peace

neva hol wata in yo han
shapeshifta b at work
makin u believe it can be contined in mere glass
rhat it be col and it stay so
i right now promise u
not SO... NOT so

neva hol ice
or anything else for that matta
in yo hand
see that wha chu can not touch
be not there
not like god not ther,,,,
but like how love not there.... not really
no.... what they print on labels is lies
what they say.... just to make usses feel mo
like shyt is right
shit not RIGHT.....NOT right... shyt

i fucked up

America is

America is, Arizona cowboys in nut huggers.
Trying to ride freedom on the back of a bull who didn’t even do shit and much would prefer to be riding some ass himself.
Cowboys trying to ride poverty back into the roach infested trailer it came from.
Poverty smelling of Miller Lite and his mommas blood.
Poverty lookin like his little sister’s daddy who said he could call him daddy too since his was long gone, but to shut the fuck up when he’s watchin the game.
Cowboys displayin “these colors never run” stickers on the back of Ford F-150’s as Lil’ Wayne blasts from Bose speakers.
“Numba 1 stunna! Wha wha wha wha wha……”

America is, California vegetarians.
A self-righteous prick vegetarians who ask you “how you would like it if someone plugged your mother up to a milking machine?”
I wouldn’t like that at all America, but my momma is a milk machine,
as I am, but we don’t need to be plugged up an shit.
We are powered by the sun and luv.
America, this vegetarian forgot that his seed swam via kangaroo protiens Granpa Ugg shot in the furry lil ass.

America is, big tittied blonde waitresses with hearts of gold and red Camaros.
America she moonlights at a hole-in the wall playing “I’m in luv wit a stripper”
She rockin’ she rollin’ she sliding that pole an….
America, she talks to balding men as if they have something more interesting to say than “can I buy you another drink?”.
As she gives $30 lap dances, the old mens boners remind her of her little town outside Salt Lake.
Remind her of the procession of brothers whispering “You better not tell daddy”
daddy who whispers “you better not tell ya momma now”
momma who sighs and says “you better tell God”

America is, niggas on corners trying to swim to Africa in bottle of Boones Strawberry Hill and sour pickle juice.
Niggas trying to drown out hateful voices with headphones made of pig lips, dimes and Johnny Taylor Records.
Voices that tell him lies. That in order to be a man he betta get his respect.
That in order to get respect he needs the money and the power.
That in order to get the money and the power he might have to hurt a bitch.

America is, soccer moms blaming 8 year olds for wide hips and low libidos.
Suffering in the doldrum of 3 square meals a day and forgotten abortions.
Writing letters to the FCC.
Publicly declaring the sanctity of daytime TV screens, and the filth of black women’s breasts.
Secretly taking strip-aerobics and Xanax.
Just havin a lil fun with the girls, pretending their Sarah Jessica Parker or Eva Longoria
And fucking the plumber.

America is, boulevard gas stations.
America when will I grab the gasoline handle without shame
When will I grab the handle and not think of boogers and nut juice on the underside sliding underneath my nail beds and into my blood stream.
When will I be passed out in the passenger seat at 5:37am
Not thinking of 50 cent sunflower seeds, 99 cent blunts and 3.09 a gallon. 3.09 a gallon? Three-0-fuckin nine.
Yeah America this pumping station pumps me of the little freedom I had to roam city streets, aiming my mind at the truth like Annie Oakley on crank on the corner of Esplanade and Claiborne.

America is, Black Puerto Rican girls who know they the shit.
Shouting “Comete mi cricka” at playas and pimps.
Showering Miami hustlers with besos and punta.
Standing in South Beach porticos lighting and cutting the tips off Cubans while balancing on perfectly manicured feet and bikini tops.
Wanting to be loved.
Wanting pride but only seeing the backs of their coifs and their brown asses on BET.

America is, me last year.
Yeah America is a gay black chick too.
Full of lies, full of shame, full of shit.
Full on the illusion that she’s free in 360 months plus 12 months no interest.
Home ownership and college degrees.
Certainly not a slave.
Free from monikor of welfare momma as I kneel before you America.
At your breast suckin bills and coins in a feverish flow.
Needing to survive. Wanting to be somebody.
Believing, it just ain’t living without cruise control and ice cold A/C.
Free from the shuck and jive of a niggas life.
Yes, America, “of thee I sing.”

That black chick died of thirst in 12 ft of water.
She died floating in the bloated belly of a woman who looked just like my momma stretched out on an overpass.
Died waiting for the illusion to begin again like Sarah Vaughn on pause “someone to whaaaaaaaa…..” over me.
She died wanting you. Loving you.
Vowing never to trust in you again.

America is.

Okay so last night was the night of my final and we were supposed to present a project. My classmates had some awsome stuff. One girl did a drawing of Whittman's "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry", one girl wrote a children's story, a guy i had a discussion board argument wit did movie posters, we had like 3 board games and my azz did a poem..DuH!....

i was all psyched and shyit about doing my poem and called ellelee for feedback *AheM*. put on my lucky hat and was gonna do my thang man.... but when i got up there i bytched out.... my heart started beating... i couldnt read the words and it's like when your climbing a mountain and they tell u not to look down....... i looked out and one of my classmates was makin a crazy azz face so i was like... "okay... well theres more but u get the idea!" ...aint that sum bullshiiiiaaaaattttt!!

and i felt this guilt cause i worked hard on this poem and wasnt true to it..... i treat my poems like i treat my pussie.... wit much respect ya know?.....

okay.... so in life we all play games... one of the most annoying things i hear from other people is... why u gotta play??... like doie!!.... yo ass play games 2... stop lyin.... but nevertheless... the shit kinda hurt my feelings.... i went on a date with a girl i met online and i was like sooooooo soooo soooooo soooooo sooooo sincere.... i was like brand new with this woman but it was still the same bullshit....

now ladies.... if you dont like sumbodie... you dont tell them to call you.... you dont say you had a "great" time.... cause even though we all play games.... lyin is just wrong... sum more creative shit would have been.... "check ya lata"..... " or "so... uh.... maybe we can hang out sumtime".....

i personally prefer the "dont call me..... i'll call you" routine....

but she was still hot... and she smelled like really, i say really, good.... and was a very intelligent.. so... worse things worse.... i had lunch on 6-6-06 *boo*.... with a beautiful girl

yo systa Syol

Peace

Picture 17,
originally uploaded by syolie7.

Peace

Picture 17,
originally uploaded by syolie7.

Poindexter

Picture 24,
originally uploaded by syolie7.

chillin in the cut

Poindexter

Picture 24,
originally uploaded by syolie7.

chillin in the cut

from now till the hour of our death
(a geechee for this womans' spirit)

this is ageechee for this womans spirit..... a geechee cause she is why i am who i am... she is why im is... who im is..... this is a geechee cause i felt your spirit leave that room.... and it changed my fuckin life.....i felt it so powerful that i stopped workin you for a minute ms lady... but started again cause i saw ya baby in the corner.... wishin you'd come back...

this is a geechee for this womans spirit.... cause you is as important to me as.... my sweet old mama was.... cause through you i sent her my best.... that through your skin..... i felt hers.... hopin she was proud of me.... givin her the message that her child... her legacy.... her work..... was not in vain..... that with every press upon yo chest.... i wanted to save you... just as much as let you go...... that i aint try to keep you from mother god..... but only to ease your familys pain... cause yo spirit was too strong to have lived a life of regret.....

this is a geechee for this womans spirit.... for the look in her daughters eyes... for her curled in the arms of another...not wanting to see you thaat way... fo pain laid raw.... for life laid bare.... for understandin...... we born..... we live.... we die....


all i can hear is the screaming.... the look in that girl's eyes.....
" "Lettie.... get up lettie".... "oh lawd i heard them children yellin but i just aint come"..... "Nanny!!!!..... nannnyyy please".... "oh god help her".... i fuckin fell off the porch for that spine board....

and then her daughter... momma?".... "momma?"..... "momma nooooooooooo!!!" ... awakened from a disturbed sleep.... she blindsighted by a beloveds last moment....yet her image pervades... i learn later she was an only child.... god i just so much on my psyche right now....