I dont know what came over me last night... my friend called so we went out... roaming bywater streets looking for something to get into at 2 am... giving no thought to the evils that may want to get into our rectums... namely rapists, murders, and theives.... we went to Monty's house... cause his ass is always up for a party... he doesnt answer the door... so i assume his rectum is already occupied.... hopefully by a handsome pipefitter.... we make our way to the quarter and spend most of the night looking through windows @ glass... ironic huh

i wonder who i am.. now that i am no longer Lena's wife... that title gave me a sense of accomplishment... like i had anything to do with falling in love and planning a life with someone... the plans were our undoing of course but it was nice to be done... have roots... but our relationship was more like a potato instead of an oak tree... however it was nice to be known by someone... it was nice to be predicted... i know i'm complicated so it was nice to be tolerated and loved anyway... until it became intolerable i guess.... but i wasnt made for no surburban nightmare.... i'm an artist i think.... only i paint with my thoughts and feelings... Sheeps Landing Planned Community is no place for my kabooms

we talked about relationships... like there was nothing better to discuss... i tell her about my dream girl... she tells me about her blind date and we laugh like two ole niggas playing domino muthafucka.... i warn her to stop tryin to be femme for people.... were both two big ole dykes in sheeps clothing.... she warns me to watch what i say.... that we have two ears and one mouth... blah... blah... blah... and we laugh again on snake eyes...

and we ended up at Beignets n' Bugs of course... to the left an east asian woman refilling napkin containers... to your right a skinny white girl on a bipolar trip... straight ahead.... my future as seen through the haze of powdered sugar and fear... i want to run until i end up in Brooklyn...

we talk about baby names... if i have a son... i'll name him Jerusalem Soweto... if i have a girl.... Gun...

Been a hell of a week....

1. MJ died
2. Smutley died... unexpectedly
3. Ellelee alas is wonderfully loved and terribly missed
4. Prayed for god to protect those I love... and to allow me to love everyone (self included)
5. Still routinely mistaken for walmart/target/supermarket staff... no offense taken... just curious as to what social clue i send out that makes me a customer service rep
6. Ive discovered im an aquarius moon thingy (hence my strange connection to my exwife)
7. MJ died... trumping the deaths of Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett and Neda. But also diverting attention away from votes on universal health care and cap&trade so we can finally get the shit done (take that Hannity!!)
8. Finally reading lao tzu... listening to Lauryn (duh)... and watching Lost Tribes of Israel on YT
9. Discovered a new friend
10. Missing my old one
11. Talked to my old one... who is now different... therefore... my new one??
12. Looking foward to silence
13. Looking forward to having nothing, needing nothing, wanting nothing.... that in their hatred they can take from me...
14. just needed a # 14 cause you know i'm geechee & wierd like that

What else can i say.... i have a lot but want to be careful with my words.... before i could spit (more like vomit) game with reckless abandon... hence many the mire i have found myself in/and the pain i've caused... i will try to be more careful this time

We are what we repeatedly do. This scares me because i repeatedly do... dumb shit. So if I face reality I can say... fear is not your friend... do not go lightly into that good night... do not shirk... do not arm yourself with the bullshit facade... wear love like it will protect you from harm.

I think because i know Lena can hurt me... i push her away... i reach into my bag of insults and assumptions... i know that she is capable of causing me to experience feelings of extreme, soul stirring, pain... and like a bitch i reach on the shelf for what works... but god and bravery that shelf would be empty.... i want to react to fear using my love... i have a lot... shit i've held it in so long... i want to disarm that pain i feel... with love... pure... shining... seeded so it can grow....

Love.... its whats for dinner