it's kinda like crack.. don't wanna do it.. just cain't resist

ten movies i'd watch over and over:
Frankie & Johnny
The Color Purple
But I'm a Cheerleader
Mo' Betta Blues
Sarafina
Blade.. (n'bushe wright got it goin on)
No Homies Allowed
Beloved
She's Gotta Have It
Friday

nine people i enjoy the company of:
sonya
madear
Ya-Ya (Latonya to the masses)
my mommy
my nephew Jamari Mzee
Mimi (mariah carey in training)
Yafrica (currently AWOL)
Taylor Logan
Paris Dominique
damm only nine??

eight things i'm wearing:
gold hoops
white t-shirt
faded glory jeans
umm... granny panties
black bra
clear nail polish
spf 15 chapstick
... a smile

seven things on my mind:
getting a new car
getting a new job
my on again/off again loves
gettin' some pussy (are you even surprised?)
nursing school application
something i should have said
my unfinished Kuma story

six objects i touch every day:
that fuckin cell phone
the tub
my body
the keyboard
the radio
the blue flower comforter

five things i do everyday:
listen
pray
think
love
ummm... make a phone call

four bands (etc.) that i couldn't live without:
méshell ndegéocello
erykah badu
chaka kahn and rufus
sade


three of my favorite songs of the moment:
little things- india arie
liberation- outkast
gimme da light-sean paul

two people who have influenced my life the most:
my mommy
madear


one person whom i love more than anyone in the world:
my mommy of course??

i don't know if i can deal with much more of this rain shit.. seems another hurricane is headed our way... dang why?? what did i do lord??

Defenses #2

There are days when I wake up…Look in the mirror and smile..Those are the days… I know.. Not think…But know…I'm a bad muthafucka..Those days I am young… and bad… And the cutest dyke I have ever seen.. Mostly those days are some good days.. Cause I smile, and laugh..And step to chicks I don't even know.. Ask them to talk to me for a minute.. But never ask for the number.. Those days.. I roll a blunt as big as my thumb.. I get higher than the sky..Cause I want this feeling to last forever.. **Make it last

There are days when I wake up… Look in the mirror and shake my head.. Those are days I take a deep breath.. Cause it's gonna be a long one.. And contemplate going back to bed.. So I won't have to deal..Those days my hair don't ever do right..Those days I go to work, drive home, and go straight to bed..Those days I don't eat, or go anywhere, or do anything.. The machine picks up the line.. And I hear my mind waging war in my head

There are days when I wake up.. And I'm on fuckin auto-pilot..Auto-pilot is the fake ass girl that is me..Auto-pilot feels nothing..sees nothing.. hears nothing.. but what she needs to get shit done.. Auto-pilot has no idea how she got ..From point A to point B.. She just did it..Auto-pilot pays the bills..Auto-pilot makes the calls..Auto-pilot makes a good impression.. On insignificant people

But some days…Something in me moves to the left.. And my defenses allow me to feel.. I am me..Jata Free.. And I can tell you what love is on that day.. I reach out across the ocean and feel pain not close to me..Pain that I read about in Newsweek.. And I wish he or she or it knows I feel them.. wish that he or she or it gets a miracle sometime soon.. invoke the gods on they behalf.. but we all got the same one(s).. on those days I have a Ntozake Shange mind.. speaking in lines and rhymes.. and people go.. Ooookaaayyyy???

I really tell the truth on those days.. And I write shit like this.. I think about Steven Biko.. and I follow him through the streets of Soweto.. My uniform coated in the red dust of the struggle.. like Sarafina.. those days I believe in freedom.. those days I believe in art.. those days I believe in all of you.. I do.. and me too

On that day.. I fear nothing..I fear n.o.t.h.i.n.g.. not even my self..

I think on those days.. During the night I was born again.. And my momma named me Fearless Free

.. okay...what the fuck was that???(i know.. i know)….. Luv Syol

laundry day... helll every day is laundry day over here... miracles never cease.. i went to mass today.. Whitney came home from college for the weekend with a friend of hers.. i can't beleive that's my lil baby cousin in college now.. i remeber playin house and her always being the baby.. she is now a tall, confident, afroed, sista... conscious to a T... we started discussing the media and that girl had some real shit to say she's only 18.. at 18 i wanted to know where my next meal was coming from.. and just last year that girl was rockin craig david.. I am so proud to call her blood!!.. she is studying drama…i'm going to give her my copy of August Wilson's Joe Turner's Come and Gone..

last night we went to a football game… b.o.r.i.n.g.. I served as a food source for a small mosquito colony.. WARNING: do not take a shower.. before.. going to an outdoor game.. the funky keeps them away… (** relieves all the funk and makes it funky..:) by the time it was over we were too ate up to go anywhere… I thought about stopping by the hospital for a blood transfusion… i let Felisha and Latonya have my bed.. maybe that wasn't such a good idea.. but fuck it.. it's laundry day.. and at least somebody's getting some.. I slept on the sofa… I thought about getting my mysexual on.. but it wasn't happening.. couldn't get good leverage… Ya-Ya was rockin the boat back there.. I think I heard a billy goat??… lol.. god I'm horney.. my period is getting ready to start.. come'on mama.. let's get this shit ova wit'…. U ever get those cramps that make your booty hurt??.. too much info??

God I am really weird.. thank you god.. I don't want to be nowhere close to acceptable.. being acceptable means having to analyze and edit.. I don't want to analyze.. I don't want to edit.. I want talk loud in a crowded theatre just cause I know I can… I want to ride the Geechee float at Mardi Gras.. which consists of various political statements embossed in glitter and hidden in art (Renee Stout Style)so it is political and beautiful… and I'm not shoving it in anyone's ass… I want to not give a damm like I do in my dreams wearing a shirt that says 359 degrees (I ain't finished yet).. I want to fuck without shame.. well I kinda do that already.. but I want to do it all the time!!.. i want to talk about fucking without shame.. I want to make love on Sunday morning with the window open and the curtains flowing in the wind.. I want my cell phone to never ring again unless it's my momma or Pat Parker… I want the floor of my house to be made of sand.. obsidian black sand.. I want incense that lights itself every afternoon before I come home.. I want to be myself.. I want to touch someones naked body without having to have sex with them.. **lemme touch yo body.. hear me call your name**.. I want to look at someones naked body without having to touch them…I need to learn how to paint.. I want to make up a color.. or rename one that the current name of it gives it no justice.. I want to hear a dream.. like a lyfe dream that has nothing to do with money.. but I could use $2,000 dollars right now… I wanna love.. I wanna b loved.. ya hear me.. I want to hear you say yeah…I want to feel you say yeah… lol..

I'm a fuckin psycho…. but I luv u so bad…Syol

lawdhavmercyjezus.. these kids are some gangstas in training.... i walked in my room and Taylor and Paris are playin "Money".. i was like.. what is that?? why they in there rollin dice??.. they roll the dice and add up the two and that's how much money they get.. i was like lawd help em.. let them be the pimps and not the hoes!!.. Khalid got all in my lil incense.. so now he smell like a little fat lotus blossom..and Paris is just trippin.. Taylor was laughing so hard she pee'd on herself... it's funny though.. but it just makes me wanna go to the gyno and snip out my ovaries..

i'm about to wash the car... it has been such a beautiful day.. it's turning into autumn.. my favorite season.. the sky is clear and the air is clean.. and sthe sun is shining... god it is just so beautiful!!.. beautiful u hear me.. BoO-t-FuL!!

bathe in the warmth of the morning sun.. i'll wait for you.... Syol

Mirror Poem: Ode 2 Jata

what makes you frown?
my lil baby gurl
what turns in the corners of your lips
and directs your eyes toward the ground
i thought i taught you betta than
to let them steal your joy
and to come to me when your feeling down

self-loathing ain't our thing no mo
my lil baby girl
when you look in the mirror
i see god in you
brown green and blue
and we buried that ugly shit in the grave
we just luv, and be luved.. that's all we do
let the rest figure it out
in they own way, in they own time

i'll hold you all night, treat ya right
my lil baby girl
we got us always
never leave ya lonely
we got a long-term relationship
for betta or for worse
we got rings on our fingers noone can see
and it's all about you and me

so we never wait. anticipate
my lil baby gurl
we take no chances with love
dish it out and we can take it
but hit too hard they can break it
but that is only the tie that binds
the reflection of love you offered
let them pick up the peices

so we listen to the music and dance to the tune
my lil baby gurl
they wish like hell
they could step into this world
"**don't it always seem 2 go, that u don't know what u got till it's gone"
yo reflection fascinates me
yo reflection turns the corners of my lips towards the sky
yo reflection make me look you in the eye and laugh
cause cain't nobody love you
like you do....

phew.. i'm so happy the house isn't 2 feet underwater like the news made it out to be.. we live in the goodlands i suppose cause Mimi didn't make out so good.. she lives on the first floor but the put everything high up so all she really has is the carpet to deal with. but the mosquitoes are tearing everybody's ass up..

trip was very very cool... I met some real cool people of Latonya's.. her cousin had a thing for me and he licked my hand ya'll.. i was like.. did he really just do that??.. Ya says he be smokin that shit.. i was like.. i'm sleeping wit yall tonight.. fuckin or no fuckin.. we might have to have a threesome fuck that.. that nigga woulda tried to get my booty..lol but we stayed at the Hyatt.. Ya-Ya's grandmother is so beautiful.. i've never seen someone so old be so gorgeous inside and out.. she was a darling.. and made us dinner last night.. it was chicken but i ate the hell outta some chicken last night.. i didn't want to seem ungrateful *smurking*...sincerity is something i hope to maintain when i get that old.. you could tell she welcomed us wholeheartedly.. i liked that..

i mostly just did some serious drinking and thinking.. i was too freakin depressed Wednesday and Ya and Felisha make it hard cause they're kissypooing all in my face.. i'm just like.. ughhh.. love.. no mam.. predictably i just decided i want to date myself right now.. or at the very least cut some ties ..but i am a sucker for the cooch.. i want to find some beauty in being by myself sometimes.. i know that's scary and wierd.. but i think there's something to be said for total utter selfishness.. self preservation is a full time occupation.. right Ani??.. i just want to move... and work.. and write.. and listen to music.. and get close to friends... get close with god.. and get close with Jata and find out what the fuck she wants out of life?

Miss Elaine (Latonya's grandma).. said to me.. and i thought it was so true.. you're not able to choose the weather.. but you can make sure your shelter withstands the storm... that was simple.. but i like simple thangs... just made me think my shelter was a little more ragedy than i thought..

I missed you guys.. for real i did :)... Luv Syol

it's raining like i don't know what.. my front yard looks like a baby pool.. so were going to Memphis till Friday or so.. hopefully we'll get there in one piece cause i probably slept 2 hours last night doing exactly what i said i wasn't.. there's something seriously wrong with me in that department.. is it the pussy or low self esteem cause i thought i got rid of that?? but part of it is dwelling on it so i'm going away so noone can curse me out..

it has been one crazy week.. first i food poison myself.. spend the night at North Oaks.. then i get cursed out for writing blogs.. then my momma tells me i need to get real.. then some dude tells me i'm a waste.. then Melissa tells me i'm changing into a weirdo.. then i get writer's block for the first time since May.. and Ronnie is in Atlanta livin it up.. and my Ya-Ya is now in love.. so i have to spend the next six hours with two folks going ..baby.. i love you... lol.. all i can do is laugh.. it's all good.. but i'm not going to let this get to me cause hey....no sunshine without rain.. hopefully i'll find a little sunshine if ya know what i mean...

I'm going to miss ya'll.. i love ya'll.. always inspirin a chick.. always teaching somebody thangs.... Luv Syol

my life is so full of things i don't want but it's like washing off layers of dirt.. only i dont have no loofa, or Bath & Body Works Fresh Cotton Body Scrub.. all i got is a dirty little rag i call my mind. i only want the oppourtunity to be myself.. if i fail.. it wont be the first time but at least i tried.. i only want the opportunity to have the words i say truly be from my heart.. i sure as hell don't need any more shame.. i definitely want to be loved.. but because i'm a fuckin nerd.. because i'm so fuckin weird.. because you know i would never ever hurt you.. not intentionally.. and knowing myself.. right now another word from you causes more harm than good so i will not answer the phone because i lose all control when you say such things.. you open wounds beneath my skin.. and i end up crying for days.. i end up crying.. for days.. do you know that?? i know you read this because you hurt me with my own mind.. but i will not "edit" anymore.. i will not.. i won't use your name but i will not edit because even though it might be bullshit to you.. and weird.. and useless.. it is a little of what i love.. a lot of what i need.. it is my mind...

fix yo radio before you try to fix somebody.. Jata

oh shit.. did anybody see Dennis Rodman... "OH YEAH OH YEAH...OH..*SMACK*"... aww that shit was so funny..we are all fuckin cyrin!!

LaTonya called and asked me if it was something she did.. i was like girl you keep me rollin for days... she be so in tune with everybody's feelings and seems to know when i'm about to break.. babygurl without you.. white chocolate bread puddin.. and Saturday Night.. i nigga would be bored like hell... and stop reading my mind.. for i be up in here making tin foil hats..

by the way "LaTonya and Felisha smoking up a tree.. F-U-C-mmm-mm-N-G" you a bad boiiii.... ;).

Well urhhh.. i saw Brittany Spears house the other day.. it's in Kentwood and it's called Serenity.. it was so pretty..

oh god...i think i'm in the first stages of writers block... whut the hell... i'm talking about fuckin Brittany Spears.. i really don't know i just don't feel like editing everything i say...i promsie the next post wil be an honest one.... Parental Advisory Advised

love you like the truth....... Syol..
(damm u Sigmund.. she musta been talkin bout me)

i wonder why i fuck with you.. struggling to understand how you feel meanwhile losing ground in my own battles.. repeating myself .. reenforcing the same standard.. you can't seem to comprehend.. we seem not to speak the same language.. i look in the mirror to see if i'm Chinese.. ey no espeaky engrish.. i have to remind myself that i love you.. you say more fucked up things than my father.. i relive that hurt everytime "Talk to me?" leaves your lips..and lies come from my mouth cause i cain't trust you worth a damm
u wan' me to tear it up..
but you just dont care enuf
fo' me

i'm not stupid.. i understand how you feel.. i understand underneath all that bullshit is the truth.. you don't wanna luv me.. cause loving me is so hard.. but only cause you cain't love yoself.. u want me to be your girl.. but labels are not tape for broken thangs.. we are broke like the radio in yo car.. we cain't play shit cause were both too cheap to chip in.. luve.. understanding.. time.. we cain't play shit.. cause we trust each other no more than two little girls playing down by the river.. your words make me a silent child walking home from school with a key hidden beneath my clothes
u want me to dick ya down
but you never be around
fo me

you make me say shit i know i don't be meaning.. you make me walk away when i just want to hold you and tell you it'll be alright.. i cain't talk to you anymore.. like days at the park.. holding you under the full moon.. love soon.. but you think fucking makes it go away.. but i only feel like you stole $100 from me and won't confess.. and when i hang up the phone for the last time.. my dreams for us make it alright.. the new sun brings hope.. the phone rings.. "Hey Baby." ..why does morning makes you my good girl.. why does the morning change my world and make me love you again..
you want me to make a change
but you just won't do the same
fo' me

You make me cum/You make me complete/ You make me completely miserable... Luv Syol

i've been gay for so long it's weird for me to understand the thinking in a straight person's mind.. the way they ask me questions like.. "What made you that way?" or "So you never had sex with a dude?" are a shock to my cognative process.. in my mind it's like what made you that way?.. do you want to have sex with a dude..dude??.. thanks to my early gay education... thanx to SMYAL ..(aww good memories).. i've sucessfully fooled myself into thinking women loving women is purfectly normal.. so why ask me such things.. being gay in the South is no big deal right?.. WRONG!!..and i got a serious reality check

a guy i was having "the discussion" with yesterday said something that just hurt me to my core... i try to do the responsible thang for my community (be visible, be honest) but i'm no longer justifying my sexuality to straight people.. and by catering to their questions i feel that's all we do.. let em' read a pamphlet.. anyway he was a nice little military guy.. quasi-intellegent.. polite... and i'm giving this long explination of my personal stuff.. i've never voluntarily had sex with a guy... i do think i was gay as a child.. yes i love men with a capital L.. yes i strap it on.. yadda..yadda..yadda.. and at the end of it all he looks down.. takes a sip of his drink.. looks at me and goes.. "Well i guess i've learned something but.. what a waste."... i mean that stuck me in my heart like... how can you say that? And he said it so definitely.. like i was disposed of or something.. a waste??... that blew my mind.. a waste?? that is hurting me right now i swear..

I am a lover of all people even stupid ones.. and i give respect where it's due.. but i some things alter your whole perception of an individual.. and at that moment i was like.. i'm not doing this to myself again.. i will never disect my world so other people can understand.. if you get it.. good.. if ya don't.. still cain't help ya.. i ain't on the debate team..

so now i have to undo this world of hurt to my psyche.. you have to get hurt to learn and i know that was said to me for a reason.. i live in gay comfort zone.. and i spent so much of last year battling this notion of being a lesbian and confined to that "role" i was forgetting what i called myself a lesbian for.. maybe i'm not a lesbian's lesbian.. and i fit no category.. i kill categories.. but Audre, and Pat Parker and (that really old lady??) and Ma Rainey fought for my ass to eat pussy without shame... i'm a lesbian because of one single thing that emcompasses me... i love women.. all of you are the beauty of my world even though i cain't understand most of ya'll.. but i love women so much i feel like the world should know... so yeah when they ask me.. i ain't gon hesitate anymore.. get all annoyed and give up this long drawn out philosophical answer... imma be like "YEAH" so quick they gon thin i'm the gay Speedy Gonzales...lol EATey Gonzales...

Lesbian Pride (the remix).. Luv Syol

it can't be Suinday already.. it just cain't be.. somebody please tell me it ain't Sunday already...

ohhhhh.....yesssss...oh babe....yes babe.. i'm about to cum with Me'Shell tickets in my posession... i think we all found out on the same day cause the ticket chick said she and been selling them all day... the little security dude was like who is that?? you would have thought Ya Ya was going to see fuckin N'Sync she was so happy.. i bought her a ticket... cause i ain't wanna go by my lonesome... we stopped by *edit* somebody's to say hey.. Ya never met her before and even she said she was a bitch.. she was acting like an asshole.. long story.. not enough paper.. but like i said.. luve and lust intertwine in my mind.. gotta learn to seperate that shit.. i gave her the benefit of the doubt cause she's uncomfortable around people who are obviously gay.. and that girl is gay to the 25th.. i don't know.. i just feel like i'm good enuf to cry on, and confide in.. i should be good enuf to call and talk to, i should be good enuf for you to treat my people right.. i'm too old for that hot and cold shit... so fuck her.. story of my lyfe.. should i b writing about this?

we also went to see Mimi and Xa... Xa has a little baby leather jacket and any other time i'd be like.. whut the hell... for a baby come'on.. but he just looked like a itty bitty man and he has the cutest little puffy of hair.. i swear if i had a baby.. he'd be it.. he looks like a little Gary Coleman.. lol

i got so much shit to do it's not even funny.. i feel like shit.. i take that back.. you cain't feel like shit with Me'Shell tickets.. but i got so much stuff to do.. and i miss my mommy again... i gotta leave the house or i'll get sad again.. so i'm out..

I Luv Ya'll.. U Read This Nonsense... How Grateful Can I B?... Luv Syol

*snap*snap* yes, yes, yes.... i'm practically break dancin cause Me'Shell is coming to New Orleans on the 19th... i swear she musthave known an nigga was depressed.. we were just saying how she never comes to New Orleans ad now she is!! i'm so happy right now!! anywho i'm going to buy tickets today.. going to hang out in the Quarter and look for an apartment.. i need to get out of this house before i explode...

and i swear to fuckin God if that nigga Ron knock on my door one mo time?? can somebody say Vaseline and bare feet. now, he knows i'm sick and he still knocking on my door... asking to go to town... what does that mean, to town??..i had to open the door in my panties and a scarf on my head.. does it look like i'm going to town?.. NO!!...but then i have to do it all nice... that's why i'm fuckin moving..cause of his ass knocking on my door every Saturday morning..

on another note.. i'm so freaking happy.. Me'shell is coming.. Me'Shell is coming... 3 things i love about that.. Un:i always meet somebody at her shit... i mean ALWAYS.. even that time i went to see her in d.c.... Deux: is it just me or has Me'Shell been gettin freaky lately..that girl know we all wanna fuck her... why she wanna stir thangs up... Trois: the dudes be holding on to they girlfriends like a mug... better hold tight.. cause i'll fuck ya lady..

Geechee and the Infinite Sadness.. we know it comes.. we must endure... the fire lit.. the water pure.. the Gods i know.. you hear my prayer.. i find some peace and solace there.... Luv Syol

if you wanna read something to make you laugh

last night i was sick as a dog.. so i went to my grandma's to spend the night and she says "Baby, what coulda made you sick like that?".. i'm going yeah well i watched Taylor yesterday and she was sick blah, blah, blah... she said "Well Taylor was over here today and she was feeling alright? You don't think it was the soup huh??" I had made this gumbo/soup/chowder with seafood and mushrooms in it and the seafood had been on sale which was the only way i can afford it otherwise... needless to say i food poisoned myself.. which cost me a trip to the hospital at 2am.. and i did have a bronchial(sp) infection but it was nothing compared to the iodine poisoning in my blood stream...

on another note Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney from Georgia is my new role model.. if you can catch her on C-SPAN discussing sending our troops to Iraq with Colin Powell please try.. she had me amening from my sickbed ...Luv Syol

24 is way too old to be impractical... i'm so impractical.. such a dreamer.. my head is off the charts and i'm not sure if it's the flu or i'm scared like a mug... i'm moving through my days slowly .. i can listen to what people are saying but i can't hear them... Sonya came over to bring me some Mylanta and she was sitting on the edge of the bed.. i don't know what i was lookin at..then all the sudden she goes.. "What the fuck are you looking at?"... i swear she scared the fuck out of me.. i was out of it... got shit on my mind.. love on my mind.. little shit stops mattering.. i just be like..mmmhmmm.... i'm in the stars tryin to get a better view.. maybe that's a Pisces thang..

**Brainstorm
Take me away
From the norm

I got to tell you something
This phenomenon
I had to put it in a song
And it goes like

Whoa
Amber is the
Colour of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold
Displayed naturally

You ought to know
What brings me here
Oh
You glide
Through my head
Blind to fear
And I know why

Whoa
Amber is the
Colour of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold
Displayed naturally

You live too far away
Your voice rings
Like a bell anyway
Don't give up
Your independence
Unless it feels so right
Nothing good comes easily
Sometimes you gotta fight

Whoa
Amber is the
Colour of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold
Displayed naturally

Launched a thousand ships
In my heart
So easy
Still it's fine from afar
And you know that

Whoa
Brainstorm
Take me away
From the norm
Whoa
I got to tell you something

(**Amber/311/From Chaos)

i will go to see Mother Azi tomorrow.. silly i know.. i'm sorry...Luv Syol *closing my eyes*

i'm to up from the flo up today.. i just barfed all over my job, all over the road on the way home, and i'm just now getting my head out of the toilet.. in my wisdom i decided to watch Taylor and let her lay in my lap last night even though she was coughing all over me and now i'm fucked... my stomach feels like i'm about to have a baby.... and everything smells like mustard.. it seems kind of early for it to be flu season right??...

nothing witty to say right now.....Luv Syol

AAAAAWWWWW
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now continue with our regularly scheduled programming.

(i kno ya'll niggas think i'm crazy:) ...still love you dou'... Syol

Slowly #4

Your words take shape
And you become more than love
More than a figure beauty possesses
But a figure possessing beauty
I wonder so hard
What this thing is
The straw the camel fears?
Or the 7th wonder of my world?

I dream of words rolling off your lips
Telling me the truth
And i'm looking at them
And i wonder what truths taste like
Before the air robs them of flavor and texture
I know they are
Like strawberries and chamomille tea
With honey
I know they ARE
Real

shame is not even in my vocab..... Luv Syol... (Psych 101: Define Freudian Slip..yikes)

okay..post if you fuck up again i will beat yo ass...aight...i went to see Barbershop yesterday... it was pretty good but then again i go to the movies not expectin much... i gave it an 8..... but it's definitely a black folks movie....Ice cube was pretty cute but there was this blue-eyed brotha who had it goin on.. i was in that mug takin notes..okay *lick your lips*smurk*look her up and down* lol... he was real good though....Eve totally represented...

and well the only thing i didnt like was these girls staring at me when we was in line to buy tickets... i was playing around with Sean and i guess they thought he was my man or something... and they lookin at me like "what is he doing with that bitch?" ... now come'on... yeah i'm at the fuckin movies with my sweats and my cap on.. i might look a little ragedy.. but i cain't help it if you coming to the movies to find yo next baby daddy... if you got your hair and nails done to come to the fuckin movies...good for yo ass.. but i only got to pay 6.50 to get in this bitch.. this ain't no Platinium Club??... i swear they was just pissed cause they had to get all them kids up in there... "That will be $72.29 please."....

and yesterday when i came home i wrote this post and it was soo long and it took me like 30 minutes... but blogger messed up on me and i was too pissed to do it again. here is the essence i guess..

even reality is a perception...you told me that... defined differently by everyone.. i'm not so much worried by "reality" as much as being worried by what "is".... what you "are" is what i dig so deeply... all else...bullshit... shake them hatas off girl

ma ki da da......Luv Syol

that is the most aggravating(sp) fucking thing.. losing good posts... dammit

it's been interesting today... i get home and i'm cooking and *knock*knock* and i'm so sure it's Taylor coming to play on the computer i didn't peek out the window and *bam*... 2 white boy Jehovahs Witnesses... my first reaction is awww shit.. and that was so wrong cause those were some of the nicest people.. i talked to them for like half an hour and i was convinced they were gonna ask me for a donation... but they gave me a Book of Mormon which i needed... and said a prayer with me... which i needed... one of the little guys was so nervous he was sweatin bullets.. i probably had a crazy look on my face...

oh...and NOPD picked up Juvenile's ass for bad checks and beating the shit out of a barber i guess he shoulda backed that check up.... he always seemed like such a serious dude when i talked to him.... i know Sonya's gonna have a heart attack... can we do anything right??

and they're this close to finding that damm serial killer...and guess where the hell he's from.... right fuckin here.. can you believe that?? i could have swore he was a crazy Biloxi freak....

back that thang up (i'm totally kidding)....Syol

*shine*rub*shine*...dusting off Cookie... i cain't stop laughing... lemme see...number 6 por favor....

**now word had been gettin around town
that we was a lil bit more than friends see
she really wudn't feelin dat..
so she stopped callin me...

If that aint the story of my fuckin lyfe....... i don't know what is...

defenses #14

i remeber claiming that i wanted nothing...but i also wrote you a letter that said i was sorry you loved me... cause loving me is so hard... and you tore it up when you got mad... i know you have obligations.. but i have some of my own... one of them is reciprocity.. i know you have your fears.. but fearing love is no longer my thang...slowly but surely... in a different time and place.. what feels like love... will be love, no question.. in a different time and place... i will still not need to possess you(i'll make no fool of myself).. cause so much deeper my concern...strip away the ties that bind..and you possess yoself..

you are welcome in my arms the same time i am welcome in yours.. you are welcome in my bed... whenever i am welcome in yours.. cause my love is a complete one (unfortunately).. so you stop loving and i'll carry on in silence.. you come back.. i'll carry on in silence... cause you need the dough to pay the dj....or yo shit won't get played.... and you take from me.. so you can give to the others... and think you runnin game.. but my love is a complete one (fortunately).. and you only got .0024139.... so willingly it was given you thought it was all i had.... but my heart is a maze you don't have the strength to figure out

**she couldn't love me without shame
she only wanted me for 1 thang

guess she gotta teach her boy to do that??... Love is a muthafucka......Syol

*from Cookie the Anthropological Mixtape/Barry Farms/Me'Shell N'degeocello......numba 6 ya'll

please read this(the 9/11 post)...it might open yo mind...Syol

watching Music in High Places.... India Arie is singing..... such sincerity.. i didn't hear that in her album.. really didn't see it at Essence.... but she's simging so beauifully.... you can tell she loves music.... i know its so beautiful to love something that much.. something that is all yours... i feel the same way about words and art.... must be wonderful to be able to do something you love.. which reminds me that work is tomorrow.. i swear it gets harder and harder every day.... i have zero passion for that occupation.. and people are like.. are you okay.... i just shrug "Yeah".. but they know my days are numbered..... i want to do something i love.. i'll work just enough to sustain my lifestyle... and today yall.. i looked around my house and was like.... what am i doing with all this shit... it's just me.. and i'll probably be better off cause working there costs me more money than just working at Blockbuster... once i'm through with lunch and gas and clothes and getting my hair done and all that shit... fuck i'm just sick of it.... i wanna scream out the window.... THIS IS SOOO FUCKED UP!!.... you know what.... i'm quitting..... i'm moving.... moving on....the only thing i'll miss is driving down to the waterfront in the middle of the night.....i don't know....know?know?know?....i'm so depressed

Gotta step out on faith......Strength, Courage and Wisdom...inside of me(somewhere)...

Loving you unconditionally...Syol

what does one do
when at a loss for words
cause words is all she kno
words all she has to show.. what's up

u kno what she do...
she smiles and turns up the volume

"there are times when you'll need someone... i will be by yo side...
there is a light that shines.... special for you and me"

... Luv to the 7th power....Syol

damm... is it Sunday already??.... this weekend flew by..... last night we went to see some strippers thanks to Houston car wash guy.. he's a sweetie i don't see why Sonya won't date him... actin like she a Christian... if he was a jobless, hopeless nigga she'd be all over his ass.. but he had never been to Bourbon Street and so we took him...

first we took him to see chicks with dicks.. and then we went to Razoo's.... and then Ya-Ya was about to get in a fight with some white girl.. so me and Ya walked to the gay part and looked at the fine chicks... this one girl stopped and told me i was cute.. i was like "Really??" she was lying though cause i went to the mirror later and some of my hair was standing up.. Ya-Ya was actin crazy cause she drank too much.. she kept yellin "Yeah, Yeah"..like she was at a football game or something.... that girl is a wild one... Gemini's.... i saw an old friend of mine, Darrell, working as a bouncer at this strip joint so i talked to him and he let us in... the strippers in there were pitiful... there was this one guy and girl combo that looked like two dancing pencils... i mean it was bad.. and the strippers kept jumping off the stage to change the music.. i was like what kinda bullshit is this... Ya-Ya was talking about them all loud...lol...this one girl she was trying to give a dolla to was on the other side of the stage...Ya goes "Damm bitch you can at least come get it..."...lol...you had to be there...my girl ain't like that in real life she was just messed up.... by that time i was ready to go... so i gave all my dollars to this one nice black girl who looked like she was trying....

and then i came home... and here i am... and i have things to do today but i don't feel like it strangely.. i don't know... i need to think today.......

This is the day the lord hath made..... (she is freakin awsome)...... Luv Syol

i been home for.. 2 weeks is it?...... and i still have the tan lines to remind me of my little peace process.... i'm looking at the little stones i collected from different places and reminiscing (sp)..... i wish i didn't have to live here.... it's not so much the neighborhood as the people in the neighborhood...not so much the town as the people in the town...not so much my job as..... well yeah it's my job.... it's like i'm not into the community thing.. i guess it's cause when they invite me to stuff they look at me crazy... and i'm lookin crazy right back cause their weird to me too... and lawd don't let one of my friends come over.. they about to fall off the porch to try and get a look at us.... Ronnie told me this dude Duwane, Dywane...some shit..next door asked her if she was moving in.... Can we mind our business??

i don't know.. i juyst want to be a soft ackground feature.. i hate for people to be all in my booty... just let me chill in the back and i'm cool.......

WARNING: DON'T LOOK DOWN!!.....Luv Syol

greaattt... i just spent the better part of the day knocked out... my neighbor gets on my FUCKING nerves he is so nosey.... *knock*knock* "Uh looka here baby girl how much yow charge me to run up to Winn-Dixie?"....muthafucka!!!.. does my door have yellow cab written on it??

i was especially pissed cause i was trying to get my mysexual on... which leads me to thinking okay.. everytime i'm getting my freak on he magically need to go somewhere or need something.... and i'm sorry but i know gardners who don't do that much fuckin yardwork...i'm ready to cum and he's riding by my window on the lawnmower...either that or i masturbate way too much.. and that warrants some counseling... "My name is Jata, and i'm a freak."

i'm sorry but i love my body, i love my freaky mind, and i love my pussy??......is this bad to say?? but fuck it this is my shit.. i'm one of those people who have to do it cause i'd be locked up for some of the thangs i wanna do.... i'm tired of being ashamed of being sexual and smart... it's like damm, "Yes i'm working on my masters but i already got a PhD in Pussy"....lol..... ummmm.... you have no idea... i think about thangs i'm ashamed to think about... people be up in my head that have no business there.. "Oh Latifah, you want summa this??"......lol... i'm trippin.. but she was lookin hella good on BET yesterday... i'm still so tired but now i cain't go back to sleep..that assclown....

U.N.I.T.Y.........Luv Syol

we spent last night curled up with Aesha poo on the floor at Sony's house talking and shit… all I could think was man we could been at Sistahfest by now… fuck it I'm going by myself next year.. I'll make friends… Sony's sister Tonia was all up in the convo and she's like jeleventy and married and takes over the whole conversation… ewww….she looks like a cross between Lil Kim and Skelator from He-Man… and she is so up her own ass and putting Sony down even though her ass don't do shit but live off her man…. every time she comes around us she talks about a girl she fucked wit in college.. I'm like "How interesting?" and in my mind I'm thinking… damm you are one yapping Negro… me and Ya-Ya went out on the patio just to get away from her ass… Ya-Ya was like man next year we going to Cali.. if we only got $10.00 and a t-shirt we goin…. She said that shit last year ya'll

I have this affinity for the number 7, the letter S, the letter L, and things made by hand.. ..it's so weird I know.. I was just contemplating this in my head last night wondering how I got so into 7's…. right now I'm apartment shopping and I'm like… yeah that’s nice but do you have any units open with the number 7 on em??…lol….i'm fuckin crazy…. It's one of those mental things that makes you turn the lights on and off 12 times.

I think I like things made by hand cause when my mom wasn't a workaholic, like she is now, she would make me things,….. dresses, room decorations, recital costumes…..and as a little girl it was part of my reality so I didn't appreciate it… but when we were on vacation I was like "Mom, you remember that time you made me that pink cake with the yellow inside with those pastel star sprinkles…" she was like "Jata, how I'm gon remember that shit." …. I had a lotta birthday parties, I had a lotta cakes and shit….. but that might have been my 7th birthday and it was the most beautiful cake I'd ever had……

Been a loooong day….Hittin the proverbial hay….. Luv Syol

why when it's raining do people lose their driving abilities....everyone was sent home early because of the impending storm.. but what difference does it make if you have to spend 2 hours in traffic...

I'm one of the few sistahs not going to Sistahfest this weekend but i'm so happy for those who are off to enjoy it... maybe next year... gimme time to sell enuf coochie for a plane ticket...lol..just kidding... i know that shit is so fun though...

by the way...if you like accurate social commentary....check out Hustling and Other Hard Work: Lifestyles in the Ghetto by Bettylou Valentine.... EXCELLENT;)......it was written in the early 80's but still has amazing relevance...

...Love That Is Deep Like Oceans.... Luv Syol

comeon Friday.... I saw this comedianne on MTV the other day but i didn't get her name.. but she was Pakistani or Palestinean or something and she had cerebral palsy or something (i'm sorry i was reading at the same time)... but she was so funny... i was like..YES!!.... she was saying how she wanted to challenge stereotypes of Muslim people and a lot of other things that needed to be challenged and plus i loved the Free Palestine shirt she had on...(that's so shallow but i did:)

on another note... are these folks on the Real World "Unreal" or what??.. I mean it looks like a Abercrombie & Fitch ad... do they intentionally pick out these model types?... i hate to say it but i'd never make it on that show.. not that i'd let them exploit me but i'd be to fuckin ugly....i'd like to see another Heather B, another Beth B., another Mohammed.... these new folks just to pretty for me... and they whine like fuckin Cabernet Sauvignon ....i'm looking at the special going..."Who are these people?"

if anybody wants to be a part of a "Real" real world... lemme kno... you can film me struggling to scrape up gas money, to get to my shitty job, sitting at home, lonely squeezing pimples ...... now thats some real shit...

what happens when people stop being polite and tell the fuckin truth.......Luv Syol

now that it is tomorrow...yesterday was weird around here to say the least... i heard a lot of people say a lot of things i felt were ignorant ......a lot of Arab bashing... i had a discussion with this white guy at work, who claims to be liberal.... he thinks we should bar all people from Afganistan and Pakistan from our country, for securities sake of course...i asked him where the hijackers were from.... he thinks they were Afghani... everybody else was just like "i'm sick of this shit on TV"... and we wonder why they bomb our asses....

i watched some of the coverage at work and listened to the radio while i was out in the field... i just hated getting 9-eleven advertised to death... if you feel for the victims buy Levi's.. or some shit... at my memorial service... please.. no product placement... but today i feel very proud and even fortunate to be an American.. i know my smart ass would be cast in some Nigerian desert by now for running my mouth and eating pussy... i'm grateful to have been born in this country... we have our probs...but we can say shit about ours....

you don't know how beautiful that word is to me... FREEDOM... Luv Syol

Take a day to heal from the lies you've told yourself and the ones that have been told to you -Maya Angelou

i have been told i am a quiet person... that surprises me because there are so many things going on in my head.. i'm always like "Really?".. i am a definite observer... i love the everyday of people.. i am curious to know what people are like so i listen more than i talk.... only a lot of things i want to say to people i don't say cause i'm afraid of what people will think... until i write

i have a few friends but i have learned that friend means different things to different people... i.e. the person i considered my best friend doubted wether she wanted me around after her daughter was born and she got married.... she now calls me when she wants to be "bad"... and i have learned that just beause you can share your bed with someone it doesn't mean you share your soul with them... but i have learned to accept that... i can only be responsible for my own feelings.... in addition to all that i am usually the third wheel of the bunch... and i don't share much of what i think and feel with them because i know that is not their reality... i love them and they love me but many things inside tell me they will not understand

i sometimes have a hard time letting go of my feelings.. in the last 2 years i have learned to just accept that i will be hurt, so just do it.... but sometimes when i feel strongly about somebody or something i just can't step up... there is this Me'shell song that says.. the more i fall.. you let go...that kinda describes what i feel.... if i let you know how i feel... will you let me be responsible for that?.... will you think that i'm weird cause you inspire me? will you feel like i'm expecting something from you?.. because the truth is i don't.. i expect nothing at all.. i want nothing at all.. that's just how i feel....

when i was 9 i was raped for the first time... afterwards i was made to feel like it was my shame to carry.. it was my secret.. and that fucked with me for sooo long... he continued to rape me almost every night for 3 years.. when i told my people...i'll just say i was told to basically deal with it....and in the process i acquired a heavy load for a kid...it was like someone lifting your feet off the ground...i carried that shame all the way into my adulthood...

he died in 1999 and on his deathbed he could not speak and he was in a lot of pain... his daughter asked me to say my goodbyes.. i whispered in his ear "the pain you feel does not begin to describe what you put me through.." and at his funeral i vowed to let go of all that shame... because from that night when i was 9 till the day he died.... i was a shell...happy on the outside damm near dead on he inside...so many people had abused me....i could feel no love... cause in my reality there really wasn't any... in my eyes people pretended.. said one thing.. did another.... until he died...and i really began to understand that was his thing... that shame was his shame i was carrying.. and i put it down.. and decided to love myself so i could try to be happy.....

and i am happy deep inside... but i do still feel shame.. i get sooo depressed i feel like i can't move and i will literally sleep for days... i get soo disappointed i feel like just giving the fuck up... and that will probably happen tomorrow??... but where as before i would have told myself it didn't matter and tried to kill myself or some shit.. i now say that's how i feel and that's cool......that's alright... love is still a reality..

okay i'm getting corny...lol.. but ya'll know what i'm saying

you enchant me so..my bittersweet flower.....Luv Syol

why me??... i'm gonna habve to tell Shawn to start paying me for this shit... i mean i'm nice but damm...don't abuse me man??!!

i got the 3 of then AGAIN and Taylor is sick, Paris is having an emotional breakdown in timeout, and Khalid is getting dookey chips all over my couch.... i think i'd be a good mom cause i'm not flippin out... lol..Paris keeps yellin "I don wanna sit next to my sista!!" ..baby where else ya gon sit??... that chick wants to sit in my lap.. should i??... maybe she'll shut the hell up

Be back lata .... Luv For Ever More..Syol

i had to drop off Khalid today so i stopped at my dad's... we had an awkward convo.. he basically told me that he wants me to be happy but that the road i'm taking will not lead to happiness.... i told him he didn't understand and that it was okay because he didn't need to... that i have a hard time understanding myself.. that all he had to do was be my daddy.. whatever that meant to him...

u would think i would have learned not to take myself so seriously... play it off... yeah

Luv Syol

damm.... in life i feel so outside of everything i have learned to take pride in being original... i always thought my story was unique.. how pretentious of me.. i realize i am not original..only that doesn't make me happy, doesn't make me sad, right now it's just making me wonder...what the hell?? Maybe somehow subconsciously i retained this way of thinking from her... took some of her words and mixed them up a little in my head... but how can i do that if i had never even read it before.. i'm confused now... too many parallels to someone i've never met.... understanding when i didn't try to understand... when i usually don't give a fuck.... so how the fuck do i get it?? what is wrong with me?

i think i might stop for a while... troubling..troubling stuff... too fucking weird.. i'm trippin.... the world must be bigger than this?

feeling so insincere.....not feeling like the truth...but... Luv Always.... Syol

My Little Pony

When was in the 1st grade at Sinclair Elementary School in San Antonio, TX I found out what "gay" meant. At recess time the playground was usually divided into three sections. Boys in the field, girls by the swings, and outcasts anywhere we can find space. I started out by the swing sets, but when the blackgirl posse booted me out (as a result of my mouth) i found solace next to my friend Jason, and i swear that boy had the best My Little Pony Collection in the world.

Me and Jason would fly those ponies all over the playground. Under the slide, through the dugout, pink hair flowing in the wind. He knew the names and personal characteristics of each and every one. Jason was rich. Not only did that boy have the My Little Pony Carrying Case, My Little Pony Collectors Guide, and every little My Little Pony accessory known to man but every week he had a brand new pony. His eyes glowed as the girls envied him from afar.

One day Jason and I were sitting on the ground playing Strawberry Shortcake(that was my thang)/My Little Pony Adventure and this group of older boys gathered around us. They were some Mexican boys who were break dancers. I am not lying when i tell you those kids could pop lock like they had epilepsy. The little dude says "Ay can i see your pony?" and the guys behind him started laughing. Jason looked up at them and said with MUCH attitude "I don't think so.", flashed them a little smile and returned to our game.

So they just standing there..me and Jason sitting there pretending like we playing and the little dude kicks dirt on us. "Forget you little faggot. You like it up the booty don't you gay boy." he says and they walk away laughing. Jason is covered in dirt from head to toe and my pink overalls look rose. I'm just sitting there in shock, and Jason starts crying his eyes out. "Aww it's okay" i say as i try to dust off his back. Everybody is around us laughing. "Fag, fag, faggy, fag" i hear a couple of people say. Then all the sudden it gets quiet. Somebody had ran over to the 5th grade side to tell my brother Mzee what happened. My brother is 11 years old, 175lbs and the best football player in school. Plus he didn't like noone fucking with his lil sister but him. "Who kicked dirt on you?"..." I march over "bad ass" to the little dude. "Hiiiimm!" I yell. And him and his little friends get stomped like corn tortillas.

But that didn't save Jason. They tortured that boy relentlessly. I always got in trouble in the cafeteria for some bull and when i was late to recess i would see him sitting on the ground bouncing his little pony, eyes on the ground, all alone. Every once in a while somebody might come and mush him in the back of the head and call him "Faggy Fag" and he would do nothing. I was his only friend and pretty much became his bodyguard, cause no one would mess with him with me around. If they did i was up in some ass. I asked my mom what gay meant and she told me it was a bad person that molests children. When i asked her why they called Jason gay she said it was just to hurt his feelings and that kids couldn't be gays.

Me and Jason hung up until the second grade. That boy would be so glad to go home he'd always be the first one in his bus line. I can imagine the kinds of torture he got on the bus. At the end of my 2nd grade year my parents had broke up for the last time (thank God) and my momma decided to move us back to Louisiana. The last day of school, at recess Jason gave me my favorite pony from his collection. I think it was Lovie Pony and she was purple with pink hair and hearts on her butt. He was so sad and i felt so bad i was leaving my friend to the cruelty of elementary school life.

Till this day every time i see a My Little Pony, i think of my friend Jason. At 14 when I began to realize I was gay I thought of Jason. Throughout my life i have been a total fag hag and i think it started with him. Jason was beautiful and sweet and fun and he liked it when i shot off my mouth to protect him from taunts and most of my gay male friends are like that. Needless to say, I have a few male syolsistas.

But most of all Jason was a little part of me I didn't realize existed at 7 years old. I was definitely a gay kid. I never liked boys "like that", and when a boy told me he liked me I would just be like "Okay." Once when I saw my parents kissing I thought to myself so seriously "That ain't right?" My girlfriends and gay guy friends made me so freakin happy. Jason was the gay in me I subconsciously protected from harm. He was a little white boy me and I was a little black girl him. I remember him with gratitude.

Gay Pride / Self Love.....Love Syol

ahhhhh...another Sunday mawnin'.... my reflection day...and of course i'm called to duty this morning... my Grandma wants me to take her to church along with my great aunt who i really don't like... when i'm around her i feel like my Granny Magnolia's chihuahua Peanut ....*grrr* don't mess with me lady...just pass by and leave me alone *grr*...

i'm taking her but i'm not going today. i'm not feeling organized religion with everything that goes down in the name of God...i'm really curious to find different prespectives on scripture, everyone says take the Bible all or nothing, it IS the word of God, but man had too much of a hand in it for me to believe that, and we are quite devious creatures...Sooo... i have a temple in my heart... and the world is my church...

last night was boring... nobody ain't got no money... everybody's depressed about relationships..... so we just chilled and listened to music and drove around the city.... Sonya put me out there and told everybody about my Trina phase. It was so stupid but I made up a rap for this girl i was diggin on..she was this little *bling*bling* type and i tried so hard...lol...it went:

I have no promises to offer u/ No security I can give/ No Rings, No Bahamas Boo/ All I got is right now c/ And you girlfriend sweatin'
/Cause she know she no match fo me/ Cause I can make ya feel so right/ And in your dreams you be thinking bout me/
Givin it to ya all night/ A nigga hate to break a happy home/ But she cain't know what she missin/ 'Less she spend a little time alone/
And that nigga ain't cha mama/ But you can yell that out 2night/ In my bed if ya wanna/ Girl I will be yo liberation/ I put the voodoo on that pussy/ Like a muthafuckin Hatian/ And we can BOTH get higha/ Just lick my clit up and down/ Like u tryin 2 start a fiya/ You'll have to call ya girl lata/ Cause right now you have to teach me/ How 2 properly masterbate,, uhhh../ Well lemme hold up for a second'/ Cause u ain't heard this in a while/ And yo g-strang getting wetten/ But yo, u know I got ya cellie/ An ma u can come too/ So you don't be at home jellay/ Cause if yall both want Jata?/ 1 pussy, 2 pussies / tell me which ones greata/ We can make that shit happen/ And you can tell you friends a story/ Bout the night I started rappin.

aww man...they laughed their asses off....my girl LaTonya jammed wit me..this was the first rap i ever wrote and i think it was good.now...

I'm the baddest chick ;)......Luv Syol..

i can't tell you what happens
when you touch me, so gently
something inside me
moves to the left
and my defenses allow me to feel

cant explain what happens
when i look in your eyes and touch you
and your smile brightens the night
you become more than the object of my affection
transform into the reason for redemption
the reason i want to get married
the day you have my child

i just don't know what happens
when you tell me i'm your best friend
you become more than love
more than the act of undressing you
but wanting to undress the layers of pain
on your being
so you don't have to hurt any more

Can't tell you what happens
when you let me inside you
how it feels like love
and we become two different people
how you make me want to cry
and i feel every word of every love song

i couldn't tell you how i felt
this morning as i watched you sleeping
how you appear under my sheets
how you fascinate me
how i kissed you from your shoulder
to the middle of your thigh
and you didn't even wake up
i just smiled........

"These are the hands that touch you/These are the lips that will kiss you/These are the arms that'll hold you/Come get this body that loves you"....Janet..some song i don't know the name of.......Luv Syol

i feel so melancholy this morning... my heart is heavy with so many things... Sept 11th is approaching and something in the air feels like suffering...... Rilya is still missing and in my dreams i am her. heartbroken, devastated and alone.

I find myself scared of loving someone like i do... and this ain't like me.... I'm having a challenging time seperating love and lust. She began as a fascination, but i've opened my eyes and i see something so beautiful in the way she is. And we are enjoying each other. Sometimes i find myself wanting her so bad i laugh a my crush.

Blogskins won't come up....Shawn is at a funeral and i'm watchin the kids and Paris is plucking my last nerves. And i'm trying to finish a story for Kuma that i started 2 months ago but i can't come up with a good plot... the fucking parts are somewhat easy and fun....but the plot ain't bout shit. This is the reason i cain't have kids.

"You missed me?"...name withheld...... Luv Syol

duh....why ain't yall say nuthin.bold, italic, link... i feel like such an ass....i will work on my site tomorrow i guess...

let me touch your body.....hear me call your name....Me'Shell (Bittersweet/PeaceBeyondPassion)..Luv Syol

i don't know why but i thought this was hilarious...last night i was talking to Tawanda and i don't know how we got on baby names..and as a joke i told her if i have a son.. i will name him Rollo...hopefully his daddy's name will be Rollo...or i can just pick a sperm donor that fits Rollo like characteristics (i had 2 run spell check on that).... i so we went through this whole thing about how we'd go about selecting a donor and she was straight trippin...will make them ask him question like.

#1. Do you enjoy the singing sensation Mel Waiters (for the longest time i thought my girlfriend was saying MALE Waiters)
#2. Do you enjoy Churches chicken and/or Boone's Strawberry Hill.
#3. Do you enjoy wearing plaid pants and polo shirts outside the golf course.

I don't know why but i think that would be so awsome.....i was also coming off my high, so... *chirping crickets*....well i thought it was funny.

sweet thang....don't you know you're my everythang...Luv Syol

what would life be like without love, without hope, without promises, without struggle, without pain, without pussy, without fucking, without getting hot, without getting turned on, without touchin yoself, without touching somebody else, without give, and without take, what would life be like without you right now reading this, without you caring enuf to read my mind, without me caring enuf to try and reach you, without me wondering what you are like, without getting depressed, without uncontrollable joy, without music and poems and art, what would life be like without YOU...lyfe wouldn't be shit

i'm so fuckin high..:)....Luv Syol

oh joy... today i had a serious discussion with my mother and she said that if i wanted to quit my job and move to N O. she would let me keep the rent from this house as long as i went to school full time. i could tell she was dissapointed cause she wanted me to move back home so bad, but i really want to finish nursing school. i'm going to go looking for places in mid-Oct. definitely a studio, definitely near the bus so i don't have to drive, and most definitely no critters (i.e roaches, waterbugs, meeses). as long as it's cheap, clean, quiet, i'll do fine. No more three bedrooms, no more $150.00 light bills, no more clutter. all i'm takin is the plants, tv, comp, incense, books, stero, cd's, silverware...did i say no more clutter??

i got an email from freemyheart.com. Princes lawyers had the site taken down because some of his songs were being shared. I was just like...who give a damm about Prince after Diamonds & Pearls..i don't...i think he's a musical genius..ect..but it was only 1 or 2 songs from his new album..who cares..if it hadn't of been for freemyheart i wouldn't have heard them at all. i just think...Prince you have 2 crillion dollars why you want to mess with poor freemyheart girl.....or boy (really not sure on that one).

It reminds me of the time i printed out Renee Cox's "Yo Mama's Last Supper" and put it on the bulletin board in the english building and an administrator made me take it down cause it was copyright infringement even though there was a big ass Renee Cox in the corner. it's like hey, i'm just trying to spread the beauty. i think that was a racist thing though. i think of all the albums i bought BECAUSE i heard the mp3...Cee-lo Green and His Perfect Imperfections, Ani'di Franco's Up, Up.., Tweet..and then i think of the ones i anxiously anticipated but didn't buy because of mp3's Destiny's Child, and Lil'Kim's Notorious K.I.M,...i was like..oh hell no. to me file sharing is not hurting these artists one bit..if anything it's helping a lot of older artists and indie artists gain exposure.. i mean what the hell did i know about some Celia Cruz until i download it..and now i love her... i understand that the music industry feels threatened but i just think they pimping the artists too..they're just mad because people are getting what they want without the middle man. I'd rather send Me'shell $20.00 in the mail and download her shit off the internet if it worked that way.

some people are so greedy....Luv Syol

Soledad (for "B")

Cada dia de mi vida
Es tu que necessito mira
You are la soledad
Rising from the east side of the ocean
Bringing something new and familiar
Shining on places I long to occupy


Cada dia de mi vida
Es tu que necesito oír
You are a poem
About the rising of the sun
I read over and over
Gaining new meaning every time

Cada dia de mi vida
Es tu que necessito sentirme
You are the warm feeling
Of the sun shining in the rain
A secret whispered in my ear

Cada dia de mi vida
Es tu que necessito conocer
I'm so glad you are in my life
I can be the Celie to your Nettie
It is a long winding road but
You are how I know God is

Luv Ya Sista…Syol ;)

my my my....first day back to work and all i could think about was going home. i didn't sleep well last night thinking about how i got involved in such a hot mess, i was pissed off and called O and told him how i just wanted to leave and start over. i realized what my mother meant when she said this town was a trap. so i started looking on the internet for a place in New Orleans or Metairie. if i can find a job out there, i'm gone. O said the customary. "fuck them broads" but now i feel like every word i type is being watched and scrutinzed. i want to write this for someone who wants to know what my life is like, not someone who wants to sit up and be like "Ohhh..that bitch is crazy.." lol...and i swear i feel that right now as i'm typing this..i'm like..what will they think...nappilesbyan has a quote at the top of her site that says "What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? muriel rukeyser". i guess that was my intention. IS my intention. i'm not trying to hurt anyone's feeling and anyone who knows me knows that. i'm not trying to put nobody's shit up for scrutnization but my shit. so read it, don't read it. print it out and use it for toilet paper. but if you decide to call me out on thangs. learn about perception and assumption and all those other "..tion's". imma still be telling you what i see in this life. imma still come at you in love. i will still tell the truth...

Luv Syol

some shit i hate to dignify with a response..but for some reason i shit went down and my name exited many peoples mouths who didn't mean me any love or well being. and appearently some of you are reading this and deciding that you can judge me. and to one bitch in particular don't you ever disrespect me again sending me bullshit emails....

lemme say that these words are a reflection of ME. they do not define me. nor do they lie in order to impress people i don't even give a fuck about. but how you feel about it makes me no nevermind. don't fuckin read it. simple as that. and if i used your name or ya girls name or ya mammy's name it's cause she was all up on this pussy. but i don't even think it's about that. if you have something to say just come and tell me. but don't think you know me becasue of some words on paper. some people just need shit to worry about.

and if you dont like me. i don't give a fuck. if you think i'm nasty. so did she. and if you think i'm dumb. if dumb is the ability to write and have thoughts about the world, i'll be that. and if you think i'm fake i must have been fake when i told you you were cool. i just want you to know i was genuine in my friendship towards you. i think you have a lot of good qualities but you and yo "cousins" are too childish so i kept my distance. i believe that birds of a feather flock together.by the way i remember what you said in Memphis.

i guess there is a fine line between love and hate. i'd be pretty fucked up if i had to wait to see what a nigga thought before i wrote or said or felt something. i'd be waitin my whole damm life. if i gave a damm about what somebody thought about my sex life i'd be fingering myself every night just like you.

to those who read this and decide that criticism is pointless, and to those who have better shit to worry about
God Bless and Much Love.... Jata "Syol"

P.S. BOXES...is about people like you

Okay...my vacation was wonderful. I could write for days about the stuff i did but some of the things i felt i really can't put into words. So here is a few highlights.

Day 1: I arrived in Orlando and after momma arrived we went to this Hotel called the Royal Pacific Resort. It was so nice and they had elephants everywhere (i love elephants) and our room looked out over the pool and you just had to be there. We went to Universal Studios but didn't get to ride any rides because we were going to see the Marvellets and i swear to yall i havent seen so many nice black people in my life. I hooked up with a group of people from Los Angeles and they were all excited because i was the only one there from New Orleans and they was all like..i'm coming to see you girl. Now i got to find some straight people stuff to do here. Everybody kept asking momma if i was sixteen and i was like..you got to be kidding...i didn't know i looked that young. Then i tried to get into the Bob Marley Club but i had left my ID at the hotel..so i had to go alll the way back and they finally let me in and i saw the cutest dredlocked dudes and it was packed and i got drunk and bought some Bob Marley incense. Later that night we went to the bar at the hotel for more drinks and there was a lounge singer there and we were all drunk as hell and laughing our asses off in the corner. Why did that lady ask for song requests? Momma wrote down Unforgetable and i wrote down that i wanted her to sing Thriller. lol...when she picked up my peice of paper she was like..."Thriller??"...that shit was hilarious.

Day 2: We had boarded the ship and that morning and we kep having to take all these damm pictures. I felt like freakin Mariah Carey taking all them damm pictures and then they have the nerve to charge you $20 for them i was like hell.. i didn't want to take them in the first place. I got to be good friends with a chick from LA named Tiffany and she and i walked aroung the ship once we got settled in. Thet ship was soo freaky. There were these naked Renissance paintings everywhere and Lightfoot started making jokes about it only being the first day and he was already horney. That night we saw the Stylistics preform and they were so good. I need to download some of that shit. I didn't know they sang "You Are Everything and Everything is You". That evening we went to dinner and i saw the most beautiful woman i had ever seen in my life. She was bad, she had these little cornrows and the cutest face i had ever seen in my life. And she walked so sexy i was just like, awww...that's a shame for somebody to be that fine. You kow that part on Friday "I wanna fuck you Mrs. Parker..". That was my ass..everytime I saw her she would make my pussy ache.

Day 3: Momma made me get up all early to make a presentation at the business seminar on the ship. I was so nervous i was ready to throw up but i got up there anyway and they were all really cool. This one lady owned a tech company called Melador with branches everywhere. I was like, please let me be like her one day. Marlene, the beautiful girl, got up and talked about being a real estate agent in Chicago and i fell even deeper in love. Afterward we exchanged business cards and she came and sat next to me and she was like yeah, they throw up them houses in Chicago so fast. I was like great send em to me..i wanted to shoot myself.. i had the opportunity to strike up a convo and i choked.

Day 4: We went to the lounge to see this comedian Willie Brown and his little dummy Woody. He was hilarious. MAurine was sitting in fromnt of me and we kept staring at each other. But neither one of us did anything. I don't know what happened but she was turning me on and i think i was turing her own cause after that everytime i'd see her she'd stare back at me. We stopped in port in St. Thomas and it was so beautiful i won't even try to describe it...but you need to go at least once in life.. they sold these little weed pipes but momma let me get it so i got 3 bottles of booze, a shirt, some shot glasses, a necklace/braclet, and some more shit..but the people on these islands were so laid back and beautiful. Everybody called me sista, and everybody praised da Lawd, and everybody flirted with you even the women. they also weren't afraid to touch each other.. i liked that. they seemed like happy people.

Last Night: i had been looking or 7 days for dolphins but didn't see not a one. i did see some white fishies on the beach in the Bahamas. Momma went to meet Ashford and Simpson and Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes and take pictures. I saw Maurine lookin fine...i swear nobody should be that damm sexy. The last time i saw her was in the elevator and if momma hadn't of been there boooyyy....but I told myself that hopefully i would see her next year and i would write her a note whe i got home..something like

Dear Maurine,
I'm sorry that i kept staring at you, but you are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my life. Will you marry me.
Love Jata

blah...it's so good for these days to feel like new days..it's so good to have love when you wake up..sometimes i am very uncertain of the love..but it feels like love so i will call it that..i can't wait to move...my mommy called me last night telling me how glad she was that we didnt kill one another... i have to say i was very surprised...my mom has so much patience these days.. i guess i do too.. i tried to call Melissa early but that girl was knocked out...Ronnie was pleasant this morning...she looked so beautiful asleep under my sheets... i missed her even though shes got a "colonized mind".... but she's coming around...she picked me up from the airport and actually acted like she missed a nigga....i thought that was cool... sometimes when she first wakes up or when were making love she decides to be real for a second..i told her i love it when she does that...just be yourself cause your beautiful.. she can tell me she loves me a million times but when she's like that she doesn't have to.... i can feel her loving energy....some people just try to hide stuff deep down inside... i dont...i just put the shit out there...if i get hurt..at least i tried...if i get played...at least i tried...just want to love...just wanna b loved...i'm simple...