dang did anybody check out brown.. baby was looking good last week....i hate to be superficial....but damm girl:)

Brains/Brawn/Beauty..that's called a triple threat right??...Luv Syol

i don't like the feeling of being hit...thats what i said when i read this poem called "Complications of City Life" by Toni Rae Knight. there was a part when the subject gets hit upside the head..i would link it for yall but, so sorry, i'm still book learnin' so just go to pheline.com to the poetry section. but that was all i could think of..the feeling of being hit..not play hitting...but just really being hurt...it's such a painful thing when someone who claims to love you hurts you with such ruthless intention....or you go though your daily life and somebody just decides you are so insignificant your body is worthless...i remember when Paris was like 2 or three and she said "I was crying and my momma told me to be quiet, but i couldnt stop crying, and i don't understand, she hit me, and i was already crying" and i felt like damm, this little 2 year old gets it and were so messed up we cain't get it?...what the hell?? i think thats why i want to touch people and love people so bad...cause i know at some point they got abused in some way and life got a little less precious and they felt a little or a lot less valuable...i just want to give that back to the people i love...like a counterbalance... i can't take it away but i can show you what it is to be loved.

defenses #18 (for "T")

how was i to know
i was your personal revolution
your catalyst for change
in a changing world
how were we to forsee
i would be the sheild you held up
against your friends
against your family
yourself?
i was naive enough to fight
against everything you were afraid of
but i can't win a war
you don't participate in
i can't win a war for you
if i have my own to fight
elsewhere in the world

i think in every relationship youy learn something new about yourself, about life and abut the nature of human beings..this love taught me that i didn't have to make someone's problems my own just to prove i loved them..i didn't have to be a, "down ass bitch", as they say if i i was genuinely concerned about them developing as people. i learned what support system meant...

been such a long time....i forgot that i was fine...jus kiss me.on my neck...and breath

Yall i feel brand new. i wrote some new stuff. saw some new people. and met some of the most beautiful people i have ever known.i got to meet the Stylistics, Ashford and Simpson, and Lightfoot and the whole trip was incredible. the beaches were soo blue and the air was so clean me and momma was like.."We're coming back to live here"..i made some new friends and it was so nice to just be myself and that be cool with everybody. We can get on a ship act a fool and still have white people trying to be all up in it. i thought for sure me and this real estate agent from Chicago had something going on for a minute but i chickened out when it came time to ask her what was up. i'll have more tomorrow morning.

but i did miss the homey home and i'm glad to be back in my bed and back with my syol sistas. i know some people think i'm lying, but yes, i thought you every single day and wished i could have shared that experience with you. but i brought back some new life with me and i will show you what i discovered while i was away, i also had time to think without a million voices in my ears and realize how important it is to have friends like you and i'm sorry i'm such a selfish person at times. but you are my syol sista fo sho'.

been such a long time/ i forgot that i was fine....Kiss Me on My Neck (Hesi)/Erykah Badu

thanks to everyone who reads this blog every now and then. i'm taking a much needed vacation with my mother and i'll be gone until Aug. 31. i will try not to choke her in her sleep. but i need to get away from here before i explode and hopefully when i return my blogs will reflect a peace of mind. i'll see yall lata..

Luv Always...Syol

Michael Jackson had a another baby boy??

I hate packing...i realize just how many summer clothes i have...i only have 2 pairs of shorts that are wearable but i have some khackis that i haven't worn in years i just hope it isn't really hot..

mama called me at 6:45 this morning talking about we are going to be groovin to Ashford and Simpson and going to the clothing optional beach. I was like i damm sure will choose the clothing option.. she must miss me cause she has called me everyday this week. i know she's going to ask me to move back home cause Anthony is leaving. i'm preparing my answer "Mommy, I love you, but my criminal record is clean and i'd like to keep it that way." I love my mom but she is impossible to please plus i'd like to finish up this nursing thing before i go anywhere.

Seven whole days....i'd like to say i'm going to miss certain people..but i'm really not cause all this stress has made me a really bad girlfriend/lover/friend/citizen over the past four months. hopefully i will come back with a new attitude and more positive and loving energy to contribute to my relationships. Melissa called me this morning and said she was going to miss my hateful ass. That's bad when someone famous for going off calls you hateful.

I'll be back before i leave.

Luv Syol

Man, i just woke up laughing an shit...i don't know what i was dreaming about i just woke up laughing...i'm definitely not going to work in the morning.. i still got packing to do...watch i still forget something

Hmmmm...i just got off the phone with an ex. She and I were together for two years and that relationship was during a really difficult period so needless to say i fucked it up. She mainly wanted to know had i changed. She was happy to know that what goes around comes around (like 100 times). I was able to admit where i went wrong but she still couldn't see all the shit she did and i didn't push it. We were both young and fucked up.

She started talking kinda sexy and i had to get off the phone. I'm not sure if i want to go (back) there. And i know me<-----sucker. Part of me was like "Maybe she still loves you." and then i thought adout all the stuff she put me through and the other half was like "She just wants to get fucked." I think she got the wrong idea when i said i didn't believe in monogamy at this point. Does that mean i don't believe in love? Sorry but i refuse to get involved with someone who doesn't want to love me back. i have enough tears in my life.

I was so happy to get an email from a friend today..she was sorta happy and stuff.. it makes me so happy when someone can find joy and hope in the midst of painful things...she inspires me more than she knows.

Not needing or wanting anything/ that in your hatred/ you can deprive me of...Me'Shell N'degeocello..Isolation...Luv Syol

Oh well...Wendy's it is... i managed to set off the fire alarm and destroy dinner in one fell swoop. i'm AwSoMe!!... sometimes i hate my life...i tried to get all fancy and mix some cream of mushroom soup and a can of green beans...Why did i put flour and an egg in it?? Why Why Why?? You kow i've come to terms that sometimes i just do some stupid shit and i love myself for it!!
Top Seven List: Some Stupid Shit I Always Do

7. Locking my keys in the car all the damm time
6. Tell momma secrets (she tell the whole world yall)
5. Losing my drivers license every 3 months (theres a mexican out there named Jata i know)
4. Smoking weed with people i wanna fuck (get a little loose in the lips only to get dissed)
3. Writing blogs like this
2. Playing Scrabble with smart people (i cannot spell)
1. Falling in love

I'm so Hongrey...syol

It feels so good...just one more day and i'll have sand between my toes and the sun in my eyes....i'm so ready...yesterday i was like.."Momma lets leave early".....
Guess what yall..my el stupido coworker bought a Kia... i'm sorry but aren't those like one step up from Tonka..she was all showing off.."It's got power everything" she kept saying to everybody.
I'm glad i'm going away because i have way too much negative energy... i want to get back to my non cussing..non judgemental..people loving...socialist self. I've just been cooped up in louisiana too long... a little sand and some black folks will fix all that.

La Isla Bonita...Syol

omg....can somebody tell me why old people act like kids. Today i had to take madear to the doctor and she was just .."Oh baby, fill this out for me", "Read this for me.". I love Madear but she know she ain't all ole' and feebly. Lemme stop before God come get my ass. I cherish everyday i'm blessed with her presence. She is the first person to ever tell me the world was mine cause she had already paid my way.

Whose world is this?...the world is yours.........Luv Syol

it's raining too bad to have had anything interesting happen today...i'm bout to go to sleep...

I read this yesterday at freemyheart:
10,000 joys....10,000 sorrows....Luv Syol

i have an ant problem at my house. it's like no matter how much ant poison i put in the yard and destroy some colony they just pop up somewhere else. those suckers are strong.

i have a white people problem. i have to work for some fake white bitches named Brenda, Jennifer and Christie. i don't know how the fuck they got their jobs cause each one is sharing a brain like Corky from Life Goes On..naw...at least Corky kept it real. no matter how many reports i develop for them they never read them. later they come asking the same shit thats clearly spelled out in the reports. but they charm the hell out of management and take credit for my research and ideas. those suckers are smart.

i go to Home Depot and try to find the strongest ant killer possible. I wonder if there is an executive killer at Office Depot?

i never give up trying to kill those fuckers in my yard but i think they enjoy my little attacks cause they just come at me harder the next time. more mounds. more ants. more poison. more aggrivation.

i never give up wishing for better days. i think they love to see me sweat. they must think my only alternative is to go on welfare . i think they what to remind me "Nigga you got it good heah!!" and think i want to stick around till they make me overseer ("supervisor")over some other niggas. more paperwork. more overtime. more bullshit meetings. more aggrivation.

someday i will realize i'm fighting a losing battle. ants stick together. you break em down. they congregate elsewhere in the yard. white people stick together. you break up their agendas. they make up some new fangled ones.

ants are selfish little bastards. i kill a bunch their little friends, and do they hold a funeral..NOOOOO...white people are selfish little bastards. they fuck billions of dollars out of some employees holding stocks in 401K's. lay everybody off. and sail to Greece on a 50ft yacht.

i'll never be rid of those damm ants.

i'll never be rid of those fuckin white people.

On Reparations

It's hard to still be a nigga in
a nation my people created
They made a student loan out of compounded interest
The cotton they picked generated

I got up in time for 10:00 mass this morning. Today was baby Xavier's christening. He looked so cute. I bought Mimi a girt certificate cause i don't know how to make things. Everybody else had made blankets and baby clothes. Me and Sonya used dead presidents.

After church we went to Mimi's to watch Coments v/s Starzz. The first half looked more like wrestling than basketball. Thompson and Swoopes was holding it down. Even though Washington was fuckin up big time she was still lookin fine!! We left early though. Si i don't know who won.

Seeing Xa makes me want to have a baby so bad..My maternal instincts kick in around these chilren'. I want a little brownie too. But i ain't fuckin no dude any time soon (hmmm...www.spermdonor.com?????). I also have this vision in my mind that i will have a wife first so we can have a baby together, but i know i date people with kids so so what, i can have one now and one later. remember Now or Later's (na-wa-la-tuz). But momma want's a granddaughter. now that she has Jamari i guess she wants a matching set. I just want someone to go to the park with without looking like a damm fool. I'm sick of having to abduct Aesha, Paris, Taylor, Khalid or Kayla in order to go to the Zoo. But knowing my ass i'll probably end up doing a Mommy Dearest on my poor baby. I'm just kidding..i'd be freakin' Mamma of the Century.

NO WIRE HANGERS!!......Luv Syol

it's been an interesting 24 hours.

5:37am-my crackhead cousin Gary shows up at my door asking for some gas money so that he can get home. i'm so out of it i give him 5 dollars forgetting that #1- keyword CRACKhead cousin and #2 the nigga lives 10 minutes away and could have walked his ass home

8:15 am - Ronnie wakes up and cusses me out because i promised to make breakfast today but i'm tired...sorry

8:25 am - Jata makes breakfast

9:sumethin- Gina calls and asks me if i'm still coming to get my hair done and i tell her i gave my perm money to her crackhead brother and she tells me i'll never see it again, plus i'm tired. She tells me to come on anyway cause she wants to go to McComb to go shopping.

11:15 am-Mzee calls me and tells me congrats on school and that my little Jammy poo is saying Mommy and daddy now (he turns 1 on the 20th.)

11:30am - i go to Greensburg to get my hair done and end up spending the whole day in the leading role of "Driving Aunt Bethley and Gina Around the World."

7:00 pm - i'm finally getting my hair done and i have become a conniseur of the South Mississippi clothing scene.

9:00 pm - i finally made it home and need to get ready to go out with wet hair and a hair trigger attitude problem.

............where's ms.browncrayon, i hope she's okay??

Am i my brother's keeper??...YES, I AM!!.....New Jack City....Luv Syol

i look like who did it and what for.. i just took out my braids and Sonys says i look like a cross between a cabbage patch kid and a wolly mammouth. that shit is just wrong. i hope you like my new background. i'm working on improving my little diary here.

Peace and Hair Grease...

i don't understand how they can devote so press coverage to this Elvis thing...if you can explain it to me....please do...There's so many more important things goning on in the world. They gave Andy Williams about 2 minutes. I'll be dammed if i haven't heard "Love Me Tender" sound bytes since 6 am.

hmmm...today was really boring. all it's been doing is raining kitties and puppies.

My computer is acting up...i swear i'm going to go off on it like that fax machine in Office Space.

Some of my coworkers invited me to lunch. It was cool but sometimes i don't know what to talk about. I'm always like...."So how about those Knicks." The only thing on my mind is doing my reports and going the fuck home. I don't have a husband, i don't have kids, i don't watch The Young and the Restless...so what else is there besides we all hate the supervisor.

Hey has anyone seen these Virgin Mobile something commercials... i don't get it??

Well uhhh....i'm so fuckin bored. I'll be back.

Syol

Thanks to Ronnie I finally got a good night's sleep. i got up at 6 this morning (for me thats a minor miracle) put out the trash, drank some coffee and checked my email.

I looked back on all my posts and i wonder what the fuck do i be thinking sometimes. From the outside looking in or vice versa i would really think i was a nutcase. Ya'll have to believe me, even though i may not be normal, i am a functioning member of society. I have a job, i have friends (at least i think i do), and most of my insanity stems from pent up fustration in my own life. I rarely get to say exactly what i mean. You know like when you have a fight with someone and afterwards 95% of the shit you needed to say, you didn't fuckin say.

I'm having fights with a lot of shit i learned as a child and adolescent. I am being rebellious right now. Unlearning things that only served to carry on other peoples bullshit agendas.

To those looking in on me? 3 things i want you to know:

1. When i say pussy, i'm not trying to be vulgar, i LOVE pussy, and think saying that word helps me to not think that pussy is "nasty" anymore. I was taught to always keep me legs closed and not be one of then "nasty girls" until i came out at 15 and all the sudden people started asking me to try dick.

2. I misspell a lot of stuff and i'm from the south and it shows. But i try to make a point not to edit my blogs cause i think once it's out there, it's gone. Basically i write the way i talk to my cousins and really good friends. But i did get my GED (lol... i got my bachelors). I basically say what's on my mind and i take that a lot from the bloggers i admire for not being scared to put their lives out there. But in case you wondered, i am very much a N.I.G.G.A (Never. Ignorant.Getting.Goals.Accomplished.)

3. And, Yes i'm in love with Me'Shell Ndegeocello.

Well time to get to the cotton fields AKA Coporate America

Have a blessed day/week/year/life....Luv Syol

YOU GOT TO COORDINATE!!...(i just felt like saying that)

There has to be a way to make a living without selling ass or working for white folks. I don't want to work there anymore. Stress is part of the reason i can't sleep i think. It's becoming to be not worth it.

Thank you Rhonda for looking at my little page.@<@ (shhhh....they don't know i'm a crazy dyke yet:) I tried to do what you said but my computer is too slow for all that fancy stuff. When the labs open back up you can come help me put my pictures up.

I stopped at Walmart on my way home and guess who i c. Tawanda's fuckin ass. She looked good enuf to eat (no pun intended). It's funny how seeing somebody you used to love stirs up those feelings again. She tried to act like she ain't see me but went over and said hi and asked her what was up. She's still at Xavier and living in Metarie. Something in me wanted to tell her i was sorry for lying and being Sybil during 25% of the relationship. I hate those people who say dumb shit like..."I have no regrets."...what a selfish, lying thing to say. If you don't have regrets then you have no conscience.She gave me her number so i promise i will call.

Well lemme go punish myself buy consuming my own cooking

You enchant me so...my bittersweet flower.....Luv Syol

for Rilya

"News at 10. We'll tell you about a missing florida girl."
I hear the humming of the stereo outside my window
The notes low and syllables drawn out
I mouth the words as I watch the tv screen
"Don't you forget it, don't you forget your way home.."

Your face appears across the screen
You remind me of my little black girl self
A time and place I abandoned for the world
Spinning around till I fell in the grass
Jumping rope till momma called us for dinner
Birthday presents from daddy
I did not understand the luxury of being a child loved
"…for that little girl, hold on to your world"

"Rilya's disappearance from state custody went unnoticed for more than a year before the Florida Department of Children and Families reported her missing in April. "
I was a fool to think
Every child is loved by someone
Please forgive me
For not looking out for you in the eyes of my little sistas
Please forgive me
For being preoccupied with my self-importance
Please forgive me
For not opening my arms, and singing a little black girl song with you
"…and don't you forget it, don't you forget your way home"

"A few detectives believe Rilya Wilson is alive. The rest suspect she is dead."
I will try to make peace with a world
That knows not, how beautiful we are
A system that fails little black girls like you and me
I imagine you somewhere where everyone loves you
Wherever that may be
But if that place fails you
You may rest in the eyes of every little black girl I see
"for that little girl, hold on to your world"

a poem for the Mr. ______ payment plan

i can still feel you
like something crawling on my skin
i can still see your eyes following me
as i move from one side of the room to the other
the pervision of thought i thought was normalcy
is now a mindfuck i must unlearn

you sat beside the white Jesus tapestry
in your green chair quiet as peace
how was i to know you were the devil
coming to take my body away from me

for so many years
i've tried to make arrangements with you
for the reposession of my body/ or was it my mind

i am amused at how much I am worth
how valuable my pussy is
how remarkable it is to fuck without shame
to have someone inside me without thinking of you
hands that love me, touching my body

i am so expensive
you have cost me so much (pain)
i hate myself, wanna love myself
embrace the truth as to what i mean

i am willing to pay
i will make love without seeing you
i taste love on my lips and it's nothing like you
i am willing pay
i won't be afraid of loving someone
i've looked in the mirror, and she looked like a million bucks
i am willing to pay
i WILL do anything for love
even if that means starting from scratch

call me emotional or a sleep deprived but browncrayon is so FrEaKiN AwSoMe….that's tight that your reading for colored girls...i had just finished it and it meant so much to me that lady in red found god in herself....thank ya gurl!!

I'm so fucked up right now, i got too much shit on my mind, i'm on my period and i haven't really slept right since Sunday night. i'm so worried about my future...and the shit is so irrational cause i'm only like 24, but i feel like the world is gonna end tomorrow and there is so much I haven't accomplished and even more that I haven't experienced ....I'm definitely depressed and sad inside. This morning I dozed off at like 3, and I dreamed that I work up is somebody's arms. And the shit was so real I could feel it. The love. The comfort of something familiar. It had to be God, cause I was feeling so low I thought I might lose it.

I've been so increasingly unhappy with radio and television. I'm barely able to watch tv anymore cause the shit is so juvenile and our political leaders are doing so much foul shit. I hate tuning into the news but a revolutionary's responsibility is to know her enemies. The whole Palestine thing is really getting to me, to the point that I want to do something to get involved. Why does the news cover so much of the Israeli aspect of things. Do they think about the nuclear arsenal Israel has, do they think about the settlements being built on Palestinian land, most of all do they think about the thousands of Palestinian men, woman and children being killed. Fuck NO!! God it pisses me off to even write about it. And then I look at the Christian news and they are doing the same thing as the regular media even though these are our people, Christians, getting trampled on. The world will look back on this time in shame, the same way we look back in shame about the Native Americans. I pray for the Palestinian people.

I take myself too seriously sometimes.

I don't know…..i really don't….just wanna love/just wanna be loved I guess. Maybe I'm delving in too much reality at once. I know I must open my eyes but the things I see I can't process. I see why people do drugs, so they can forget about the all pain in the world. Too much Cookie: The Anthropological Mixtape.

But on the other hand I see so much beauty it's crazy. I love what I am discovering about loving people regardless, and learning to accept love even when I can't love myself. And what can I say as long as there are women I the world there will always be beauty. It was so funny…one time I was in the mall and this girl walks past me and I looked back (u know me…gotta check da ass) and she's looking back at me too and we both started laughing. Things like that remind me that life is still…..LIFE.

Say a prayer for the world….Luv Syol

2day me and Sonya went to see Run Tell Dat and lemme just say that's $6.50 i'll never get back. Sonya's all down cause her and her baby daddy breakin up. what the fuck is going on with my friends i wonder. everybody is in various stages of fucked up relationships.

Aesha is sooo cute. she starts the first grade tomorrow. it seems like yesterday when i was holding her in my arms looking at all that hair and them big brown eyes. these girls grow up so fast.

Sonya broke out the weed and we listened to Ashanti. Sonya fell asleep on me and i spent my high talking to some chick from next door. she started talking about her boyfriend so i was like yeah thata's cool and when i told her i was gay she was like "For Real??" i love peoples reactions. she then told me the only way she would go that way is if she went to jail. something in me told me she just said that cause she thought i was gonna hit on her. straight chicks is a trip.

Momma called me on my cell and we talked for like 20 minutes about her houseguests from hell. she was trippin and shit talking about she told the lady i know everything about you so if you mess with me or my family i will hurt you and the lady went runnin to Anthony.lol.. momma is crazy ya'll. she told me her and Anthony is breakin up over this and i was like mom it's not worth it. he has been there for her thru thick and thin. I knew them folks should have stayed in Atlanta. Anyway i told momma to just keep her mouth shut until the cruise. she promised me she would try.

i felt so bad when i got home. 7 people have already died from the west nile virus. my head is killing me and i got cramps and shit. i don't feel like talking to anybody so i just chilled out on the couch and of course Gina calls and wants to talk about the auction. i wish so bad that Keosha would call. i worry about her out there on her own but she only calls me if she's in trouble and needs money but i still love her. i don't know it's something about her that i just cain't get over. i know i need to let go. and i have in many ways but love is just love i guess. we are all fools in this game.

God tomorrow is Monday... the weekend just flew the fuck by. I have to call so many people back tomorrow. I'm way behind in work. i can't wait until we can get clones made. sometimes i just want to just dig a hole and jump in it. people are so cruel. i think i'm just too nice. but i can't be a bitch like that. i wait until people push me to the brink then i just go off.

New Year's Resolution #12353- draw boundaries

Anyway thanks for listening to my bullshit whomever you are. your patience is appreciated. Love Always-Syol

i found god in myself
& i loved her/ i loved her fiercely
-Ntozake Shange, for colored girls

God is real....Luv Syol

it's time for Aunt Flo to visit cause i am so horny and having all these sex dreams plus my titties are killing me. this time it was Ronnie of course. i was hitting it from the back and she turns aroung and tells me, "Baby, you feel so good inside me." and thanks to some private number person (thanks a fucking lot) that too went unfufilled. i'm going shopping for a cap and make some groceries before i starve. i dont know if this pesco-vegitarian thing will work cause my stomach is real acidy right now, but i'm trying.

It's Sunday morning….i love Sunday morning cause it reminds me of Granny. The way momma would drop me off for church and Granny would be cookin up bacon and biscuits and stuff with that damm Sunday morning radio just a blarin "Sweep Around", but mostly I remember it was when I'd see my sis, LaToya. She's my half-sister and to my mother's dismay she was born a year before me and two years before they got divorced. But my sissy was so sweet and kind, and she loved me more than anything. It was a few years before I discovered she was a little slow but growing up to me she was perfect. I just remember so vividly being loved unconditionally.

Ronnie came over last night. She's the one I told you about that told me I was confused. we just chilled out and played on the computer. She gets on my nerves with that Mystical shit (she's supposed to be one of his best friends and brings it up every convo like I forgot the last 2 million times ya tol' me), but I really like her cause she is just so damm crazy. She was like man your shit is so slow cause it takes like 2 hours to download a song. Then she stared doing a Ray Charles impression on my piano. It was hilarious but I guess you had to be there.

The only thing I don't like is that she is just so closed-minded and into what people think. I tried to play some Me'Shell Ndegeocello and I was playing bitter and she was like 'I'm getting depressed." I don’t know I just wanted to chill and think and she was trying to play some fuck me music. If that’s what she came over for she went home very much disappointed. But she was cool. I was still upset about the confused thang. Any chance I got I kept sayin "hmmm you're confused." She didn't catch on. DuH!!

Ronnie started trying to tell me what Shawn was saying about me the other day. I was like that's okay, I have enough drama in my life plus I already knew them bitches are some haters and I hate calling women bitches, but I'm sorry they are. I just didn't worry about it cause if she had told me it would have fucked up my night. Shawn called me on my cell like 3 times yesterday and I didn't answer it. I was just like what the fuck does she want. I hate fake people. It just takes up too much of my energy. But when I see her I'm going to be all "Hi, ya ya ya" and phony too so it's all good. I'll keep the good stuff for my real friends plus she doesn't know me like that. I kill for fun. SiKe!!

Imma go look at my photo album. I'm feeling nostalgic today. I'll be back. And lookie I wrote a poem last night. Shout out to P-Diddy :)

Don't need a girl to ride ride ride
Don't need a girl to be my wife
Don't need a girl who's mine all mine
I need a WOMAN still down for the revolution

Don't want a girl I must possess
I need a woman to love and caress
Want a woman who brings out the best
In her and me

Don't want a girl who needs my opinion
I need a woman who accepts the love I'm giving
Just want to talk and let you in my world
No baby, I don't need a girl

THE END….Luv Always Syol

fixin to go light some incense and take a bath....i'm not going anywhere tonight if i can help it.

yeah!! i got my little 1960's computer working 2day. i know need to be spending time working on business shit. but to tell the truth i really just wanted to get online and download music. Me Bad Gurl.

Po Folks by Nappy Roots is a beautiful song.
All my life i been po.
but it really don't really don't matter no mo.
an they wonder why we act this way.
Jata's gon b okay. OKAY!!

i don't know what's wrong with me lately. i've been getting my days messed up. i thought yesterday was thursday. and i've been having the weirdest dreams. last night it was about some kinda race i was in against my ex and i kept losing my maps. and at one point i remember going through my pockets and i had like umpteen of em'. and i think i was in my uniform. i don't know i think it's kinda an indication of my state of mind. i'm lost in this world. i feel like i was born before i was supposed 2 be or something. i've been reading anything i can get my hands on just to try and see if i'm just that weird or am i the only sane person on the planet. i've been finding a lot of solace in Sapphire and bell hooks. i guess there comes a point in everyone's life when they wonder if where there at is where they're supposed to be.

i miss my mommy 2. i used to hate it when she talked shit to me. i'd be like yeah whatever momma. u don't understand. but momma don't bullshit. everybody around me is bullshittin. i'm like here's the deal. like it....don't like it...but everybody is trying to analyze the hell out of me. figure me out like it's supposed to be cute. last nite this girl kept coming up to me saying stuff like she done heard of me and i was a playa and she don't like agressive femmes, yadda yadda....i smiled but in my head i was like...she really think that shit is cute... and when i checked my cell phone Shawn left me a message asking me to call her when i'm finished fuckin...and she said it like i was fuckin everybody in New Orleans. it's like i know they're talking about how much of a hoe i am so why are you trying to be my friend and all in my business. sometimes i think they need shit to worry about. that's why i don't have a lot of friends. women are funny. sometimes i just want to be a nice straight white woman in my two story in the burbs with two boys (Josh and Tyler) and one on the way. MINDING MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!! maybe they have a pill for that?

i hate being ultra-senitive. i know i can't expect people to walk on eggshells. i just say a little prayer to myself. "...and this too shall pass." and hope that more enlightened people will enter my circle in the future. Kiley is my dog but the things she says bothers me and make me wonder if she's smokin crack. yesterday we were walkin on Bourbon street and we was dancin and stuff and all the sudden she goes.."What if God is watchin us?"....i was like...blow my high why don't you... ( imma make a poem out of that statement) all i could do is laugh and be like..."Girl, God IS watchin our asses." and then i was all down for the next hour thinking what does that mean. she confuses me.

anyway...i'm making a wish that me and the world can be friends. The kind of friends that don't call, don’t write and don't hang out but speak when we see each other in the street.

Luv ya....... Syol

i’m looking at my page and it is so jacked right now. i don’t know what the hell I did but it is messed up big tyme. imma fix it though.

thank you browncrayon (if ya lookin) for the luv. and try to be grateful for all the play you getting up in MD J you just got it going on baby girl! Accept it.

2day has been okay i guess. but I can’t wait until tomorrow. party tyme. Yolanda and Regan are throwing parties for all the chicks that ain’t feelin Incognito’s anymore. 2 much goddam drama. The week before last every time I turned around somebody was about to shoot somebody. me and Kiley was like…let’s bounce.

i have so many mixed feelings about Kiley. i know we are supposed to be best friends and like I told her before “I’m still your friend even though you ain’t mine.” but I still can’t get over her not talking to me for so long and then pop up like ain’t nothing ever happen. I thought I would at least get a “I’m sorry” or “I was a bitch!” or something…but it was nothing…she just calls me up when her and Adam get into it and is like…now I can hang with you….I don’t know yall friendship is strange.

I hate to say it but I think when she is around me I remind her that she isn’t straight like everybody wants her to be. And it scares her to see me so comfortable with my sexuality. I remember before she got married she told me she wished her and i could trade lives because nobody expected anything out of me. At the time I was a little offended but when I thought about it it wasn’t that no one expected anything from me it was just that everyone knows that no matter what happens to me I’m gonna be alright because I was always a nigga who did as she pleased and gratefully I didn’t have a momma who tried to stand in my way.

But I’m not gon dwell on tha shyt. she actin like she hangin in there with me. She was huggin up on some stud up in the club so I guess theres hope. And for now we havin fun and it’s like ain’t nothing changed. I guess in a way that’s a true friendship.

Well caio for now peoples….Luv Syol

this one didn't post for some reason

[8/7/2002 2:49:21 PM | Jata Free]
2day has been so good....it's one of those days when i talk to myself and everyone thinks i'm crazy...... but i'm just sorting things out in my noggin. the only bad thing was when this white lady got on the elevator with me and she musta thought i was crazy. i'm reading this book by Rebecca Walker called "to be real". It's an anthology about new age feminism and it has a great essay in it called "born to dyke" by a writer from Vibe (forgot the name) and it was excellent. Check it out if you can. even if you have to go to Books-A-Billion and sit for a few minutes. the thing i liked about it was that it captured the black lesbian community as it really is. we need to figure out why we are so apolitical. anyway love don't judge. Jata

this is a lil snip snip from some thinkin i was doing one night. it came about when a lover told me i was confused. check it out.

BOXES

this side up. you tell me to choose who and what i am. i caint.
i can't fit in any catagory. i wanna fuck. i wanna b fucked. my
dick feels good in some pussy. i am a woman. i would fuck D'Angelo.
i once let a neighbor eat my pussy cause she paid the rent and took
me shopping at the mall. does that make me BUYsexual? she bought
me something. i got sexual.

i look at your boxes. you tell me they are big enough for me and my
whole family. i look at you in doubt. i wonder if once i get in them they
only get smaller. i am proud. i am a dyke. can i b a dyke without being
a lesbian? i am a lover. i am a friend. i am not monogamous or exclusive.
titties turn me on so bad. my pussy throbs when i think about Theresa
Witherspoon hitting me from the back. did i mention i would fuck D'Angelo?

you let me know that once i'm in a box i will belong. you will accept me.
others can then understand me. understand? i am in love. in love with two
of my friends. one a cute white boy. he wears his curly hair under a cap.
we grab each others asses. the other an older Nubian queen. lips just wrong.
she tells me i am too young for her. she gives me books (instead of pussy).
understand? when i go to sleep at night, alone. i love myself. does that make
me MYsexual?

Boxes. as far as the eye can see. caint c one 4 me. today i am wearing my
khakis and a cap. at mass i wear my black pant suit. at mass i pray to God.
mother/father God please send me somone who loves me. there is a photograph
of me at my cousin's wedding in a blue dress. i dream of going out with Me'shell
N'degeocello (aka Bashir). she digs me even though i'm from the country. i check
out her tattoos. she tells me she loves me. we don't have sex. again. i would fuck
D'Angelo. i wanna smile. i am a little bit free. there is not category for me. i am a
little bit free. i don't need a box. to sleep in. to live in. to hide in. i just wanna b
loved. just wanna luv. love getting my dick sucked. love eating pussy. love flirting
with cute white boys. love wanting freedom. BOX. freedom. Box. Freedom. box.
FREEDOM. this side up.

i hope this answers the "r u bisexual?" thang. Love Jata