we make sounds movin through the universe
we make light/dark wit our words....
we make sculpture wit our thoughts and philosphies
but we caint make little girls...

they come from the blu of an ocean
they come creatin our futures....
they come flyin through sadness and elation
and r everlastin, indestructable, and awed...

Haiku for Ileatha
plant in a garden
u r no bittersweet flower
reap the green of lyfe

mi mother always said to create your lyfe... create a lyfe where you hav choices.... 2 kno who u are.... 2 envision who u wanna be.. and maybe more importantly... what u don't want to be..... and execute.... like yo lyfe depends on it

so to create a lyfe with choices... u liv a lyfe of changes....
some easy... like the first time you got sum ass....
some hard ...like a 3 year old learning how to tie her shoes....

in psychology class we discussed that change is the hardest thing to do... how can i ask someone to stop smokin that crack? if i caint put my chicken nuggets down.... in asking a woman to leave an abusive relationship should i be looking at my own unhealthy relationships... equally abusive... just in a different way....

and we had 2 discuss sum personal changes in our lives and how these changes have created bias in how we treat patients. this one Nigerian girl talked about how she told her parents that she wasnt going to medical school and all the pain it caused and how she has more respect for cultural issues ..... i talked about how struggled wit this ellelee thing 4 weeks.... on how i made so many assumptions... even though as a clinican i tell clients all the time not to assume until you get to know folks..... but even when u "think" u know them don't assume.. but also about how hard change is... that just because u aint 15... doesnt mean there isnt peer pressure.... the high school just got bigger

i'm havin this inspitation lately... to work on a documentary... not that i'm PBS 2000 but just something 2 show in class next semester... or show Lisa cause she always go... "That's so good baby!!".... i felt like da shyt playin "when the saint's com marchin in" on my Bahamian reed flute for her

i feel happy 4 sum strange reason??

i guess i'm wrong.... cause they're always right.... everthing is twisting me around like hurricanes ... one shoe drops and i discover the other 1 wuz already in my ass.... all i can do is laugh 2 keep from crying... and write to keep from dyin in silence...

i dont know what happened wit my gurl... mye baby.... calling me @ 9:30 "Whut u doing today?"... "uhhhh... goin 2 the park after breakfast. whi?"... "hmmmm.... u got sum pennies?"... "yeah babe whi.... r u alright babe?".... "mmmmhmmmm... i was thinkin about going to the treasure chest"..... "u kno i gotta braid my hair 2night.... and study.... i hav 2 study 4 mi test"....

and i felt that other shoe in my ass.... and a conversation out of nowhere ended up being Hurricane Lisa....

and again im wrong 4 sum perception shit..... "u acted lik... this".... "u meant that"... whi does everyone want to tell u what u meant when u just meant what u said?.... whi is everything analyzed under a microscope... must it b complicated.... but it alwayz iz...

fuk me though..... i guess i'm wrong.... cause they always... always.... fuckin always right!!

I'm still high off my Black Pride Buzz..... i'm so happy and proud when i see my people... gettin along.... luvin each other (i've never seen so many black men all over each other in my lyfe)... all out and proud.... they even had Lisa bein all gay... when we landed in New Orleans she said... "okay baby.... were back in the boonies now"

That poetry slam inspired me.... everybody in there was like "damm".... i couldnt even see most of the writers the room wuz so packed..... but i hurd their wordz and was moved just the same.... the room moves when someone tells their truth.... everybody hollas and gasps and claps and "yeaaaahhhhsss"... and "aight na's" in chaotic unison..... like waves..... it was like when u catch a whiff of something in the air and some long forgotton memory becomes as clear as glass...

Lisa suprised me too.... i see that i never give her enuf credit... even when i was all bummed she was happy and kept my spirits up...."its alright baby".... her joy reminded me of a little kid....when we were riding the train she kept going "this is so cool"... i said..."gurl u act like u aint never been nowhere"... everywhere we went she was like... "this reminds me of Chicago".... and we chased each other up and down the empty train cars and called our mommas from the Mall... at dinner she kept kicking me under the table and making me laugh....and looking at me rolling her eyes.... then she kept whispering "smile baby" like a zillion times.... and then saying something crazy to make me laugh.... people might think thats gay "wink wink".... but we all need sumbody to play with.... right?...lol...

All in all it was an inspiring voyage.... i came back and was writing like crazy..... thinking like crazy... and really looking at what i believe in.... being out is important... whatever the cost... love is precious reguardless of the cost.... and no matter what.... or how hard u tri... u cant control the moment

Syol Free