it's like someone hit the pause button on my lyfe.... i'm tied to my place @ home in a way i never realized... i was tied to new orleans... i was tied to being young, black and lesbian in new orleans... i was tied to saturday night at Vibe, as bull as it was... i was tied to night classes @ Charity.... i was tied to feeling alright driving down Dumaine and not locking my doors.... i was tied to black dudes sayin..."Hey naw big gurl..." and pausin in the middle of the street like i was gon do sumethin.... i was tied to my job..... i was tied to the smell of piss and beer on Bourbon street.... catching beads on St Charles Ave.... tied to beautiful houses.... complicated people.... and sex on hot nights that hit you like a wet cloth.... kisssing Gilbert goodbye.... and my girlfriends smile

now i am untied.... unglued... a boat in troubled water.... the last strings of a rope binding me to my shore....peeling under pressure... one by one....moving around in the same spot.... on pause.. or still or some shit.... all i an think is what am i gonna do?.... i have these dreams that i am still in Metairie.... that i stayed behind and helped... that i held hands of the dying... and i waited patiently through suffering... i wonder when i get to go back and at least know that my shit is fucked up.... at least know what i have to do to rebuild.... to at least know what god has given me.... and live with that.... for i lean not on my own understanding.....

Lisa got food stamps today.... i might try....i miss her... school is fucked.... aint heard from nobody at my job, BLSG, school... dont know if my friends are alright... what am i supposed to do.... what direction is foward?.... can i please go back?..... caint keep my eyes off the tv... caint stop feeling like i wanna drink.... a lot of drinks... shots to glasses... glases to bottles.... bottles to oblivion... that i wanna hurt somebody.... that if i caint go home.... caint find a job..... or just caint fuckin be.... that i caint live... that i dont deserve to cry cause at least i'm halfway comfortable....

the voices, they tell me
be still
have faith... Meshell Ndgeeocello
Jata

Katrina

We are safe.... we decided to evacuate ahead of time.... Lisa called me Saturday night asking me if i was leaving... i said no... i was tired and sick of the Hurricane evac bullshit... she said yes... she wasnt going to get blown away... so we went....

i packed 2 days woth of clothes thinking i'd be back home by tuesday night... i contemplated packing the new bar of deoderant i had... but decided against it because i still had a little of that travel size deoderant left.... funny how the mundaness of that decision is profound in the wake of my shit being blown away.... and that bar may not be sitting on the dresser when i get home

i also turned back and lifted my prayer box to the edge of my bed "... just in case the window breaks and it rains in here" i thought... now i pray the box is still there... my momma's Bible, pictures, autographed Ntozake Shange, white candles, Rev Cages handkercheif, my birth certificate/passport....

it took us 3 hours to make it through 15 miles of traffic... Lisas patience couldnt take it so we turned around and took the Causeway.... stopped back in the house to get my tennis shoes and so she could pee and turn down the A/C... never imagining... this is the last time we'll see our home... i woulda been wearin flipflops...

we called everywhere for a hotel room... the guy on the phone told us that everything from hammond to memphis had been booked.... we finally found a room in Tupelo, MS after 2 hours .... ironically, another evacuaee @ the hotel we met was named Katrina....

after running out of money and patience we decided to come to St Louis... even if just to get away from the tv for awhile... it seems like everytime we turned that bitch on.... the shit got worse... Lisa cried herself to sleep the night they told us we couldnt go home.... i cried alone in the bathroom but told Lisa my eyes were hurting due to allergies.... i dont know if she knew i was full of shit or not....

i cant get in touch with anyone... please call me ya & felisha if u read this or get my emails... aldo anyone from Charity and Delgado... please email me syol7@hotmail.com

For every black person in this country: THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT LOVE YOU! THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT VALUE YOU OR YOUR FAMILY! THIS EVENT IS PROOF THAT WE ARE EXPENDABLE!

this is not just the poor. New Orleans is not just a city of poor niggas. There are kids like me out there. Young professionals, students, working class, middle class. That looting shit is bull!... everyone know that crackheads and crazy people do what they do.... all of those people are NOT looters and violent criminals.... they are mothers and fathers... working, taxpaying Americans that need help.... most are just breaking into stores to get food, water, diapers, medicine, and shelter. never beleive the hype....

i am so angry right now.... i love this country.... but i want to quit it just the same. today i brokedown in the bathroom again after looking @ the tv.... my people suffering... all we could say was "thats us.. that's our people.... why arent they doing anything?"

Syol