i reach for the lighted places in my mind..... everyone says "Jata why are you always so happy".... i wonder why they thinks i'm is.... i'm happy in god... for i know she watches me.... but i'm hurt by loss.... every1 is... i'm no different... i'm human... and like everyone else... i snap... i pick up my pieces and carry on.... luv like that just is...

erin asked me the other day if i ever though about killing myself>>> i was kinda like>>> doie?.... don't everybody think about that shit??....but i just said yeah... i still think about the shit.... but a little while ago i kinda grew up and realized that besides being so selfish, suicide was corny anyway... unless u have a mental illness, or terminal illness, or ur child died ..... but goin out cause sum girl doesnt wanna fuck u or ur momma never loved u or u lost some pieces of shit in a hurricane doesnt make sense to me anymore.... after a certain point i just go.... fuck it.... it'll work out.... plus there are plenty of people to fuck even if u have 2 do it urself in a hurricane..... she told me her girlfriend tried to kill herself in Houston.... i felt bad for what i said... i thought she was just asking... i need to stop being so sarastic.... i'm just tired..... ever been too tired to give a fuck??

Speaking of fucking..... i might not have anone to fuck anymore cause my girlfriend ran away... she gave me permission to do my thang but i know myself... and i know my desperation leads to bad situations.... i wanna fuck somebody... they wanna love me.... i wanna love somebody.... they want me to go away..... WiErD.... I miss my meditation..... i miss her smile.... jokes... wrastlin.... dancin....DaNcIn.... wierdness... kindness... and her ability to love me despite my faults.... Oh well... such is love



the voices tell me, be still, have faith
.... this whole life, simple like the flowers -----Me'Shell N'degeocello, Comfort Woman